delight

2010-01-10T18:04:00.000-08:00

I have decided to give WordPress a shot. I don't know if I'll be back or not. We'll see.
www.dddamaris.wordpress.com

2009: A Photographic Re-Cap!

2010-01-01T21:32:00.001-08:00

So I've been thinking... 2009 was pretty dang awesome. I decided to compile a variety a pictures that depict my wonderful year.

So here it is...

Let's start with this silly picture my wonderful friend Lara took of me on the first day of 2009. That was also the day I moved out of her family's house. I love them.

At some point in February, my new friends and I decided to take a 24 hour trip to Nashville, TN to see some of our dearest friends. Such as our Circleslide buds!

In March, the infamous Twilight movie came out and there was much excitement and rejoicing. Stef, Alicia, and I drove two and a half hours to Beth's rocking Twilight Party!At some point after our first Nashvegas trip, we became obsessed with the game of Quelf (that our good Nash friends introduced us to) and committed to religiously humiliate ourselves in front of each other on a regular basis. Behold, Casey and Chris of Outside the Camp.In April or something, we took another trip to Nashville to participate in the GMA Dove Awards at the Grand Ole Opry as seat fillers. We are pretty darned good seat fillers. :) As soon as school let out, Stef, Alicia, and I made a run for the beach and spent a week in Pensacola. We got dang good tans. Even though I'm already brown. The beach was wonderful!In June, Erica, Grasshopper & I went to nowhere, Oklahoma to hang out with Circleslide for a week and work at a church camp. Fell in love with some sweet, awesome, young girls and got to minister to them. Below is a photo of Circleslide's pet skeleton, Cap'n Edmond, we got them when we first met them. Edmond travels everywhere with them. He's living the dream.In July, Grasshopper and I went to Japan and spent two weeks in Tokyo. We got to share the love of Jesus Christ with dozens of people and got to pray for a country and a people that I now love and can't wait to return to! Changed my life!This is the pumpkin I carved for Halloween. It is Totoro. If you know any Japanese anime, you should know who Totoro is. He's my favorite ever!

Also, in October, I received a wonderful visit from my sweet friend Jessie and her roommate Rachel, who for some reason I kept calling her Jessica. Weird. But I had a wonderful time, and Jessie kept coming back! Haha!In late November, I got my baby that I love so much. His name is Sir Meows A Lot. Sometimes we call him other names, such as Steel Panther, Face, Lloron, and other names.

There are many more photos of many other events that occurred but I'd be sitting here all night, and I need to stop watching Glee re-runs and go to bed in order to work all day tomorrow! :-D So. I hope if you read this, that you enjoyed the photos. Especially the one of my kitty. Teeeeheeee he's so cute!

Love you, BYE!

bum blog

2009-12-21T12:16:00.000-08:00

It has been an eventful week since last time I wrote. I have been living with my brother for the last year, and Alison joined us in late May. It has been a fun ride. They are two of the funniest people I know. I love living with Jehu so much, even though I have to clean up after him 88% of the time. I enjoy his company. Last Monday night, he told me we had to look for another roommate cause he was moving out when the lease ends (at the beginning of February). Thankfully in the last week, we also confirmed our new future roommate. However, I am sad that Jehu will be leaving us because it has made me so happy to live with him. So I'm bummed about that. Aside from that, we are loosing some furniture, kitchen appliances & utensils, and, oh yah, the huge flat screen. These will be interesting days.

Also, Friday when I went to Stefanie's apartment to do laundry, I threw my iPhone into the already running washer along with my clothes. Needless to say, I am now iPhone-less. But I will allow myself a second chance with an iPhone as soon as I get my school money.

Christmas is this week. I get really sad around this season because I remember how amazing Christmas was when I was little, and how the economy has changed so much for our family. So I'm working these holidays. Christmas eve and the day after Christmas. Thankfully my amazing parents are coming up for those days. :)

This will be an emotional time. This is a bum blog.

2009-12-15T22:09:00.000-08:00

Hot Chocolate.

The wonders of life. :)

Today was my first day of freedom from school. I woke up excited to not have to do any studying, then I went to work at Hallmark from 1pm - 8pm. :) Freedom.

That my day in its entirety, but then I got to enjoy Aladdin and Beauty & the Beast. And Hot Chocolate, of course.

This is Sir Meows A Lot. He is precious.

Camaro

2009-12-14T16:59:00.000-08:00

The semester is over... it's OVER, IT'S OVER, IT'S OOOOVERRRRR!!!!

Oh what joy! This semester has been very challenging! But it has also been very fun! This whole year has been fun! I complained a lot about getting old. I'm not ecstatic about it but I will definitely try not to complain any more. I am learning a lot. Learning about life and music and sociology and statistics. I don't like being tested on statistics. Neither do I like it force-fed into me. But I learned some of it and that's not a bad thing, I guess. :)

Father is teaching me patience and teaching me to love those around me. I am still learning who HE has made me to be and who HE wants me to be. And facing my imperfections is STILL the hardest thing. Sometimes I want to show the imperfections but others don't want to show theirs and don't wanna see mine. And that's painful. But I still want to be as real as possible with my friends and my family. And I want to be loved as who I am. :-\

But I'm glad that the semester is over. I am thankful that tonight I don't have to worry about anything being due or memorizing any data. :) So Now I'll go drink some hot coco. :)

* little secrets *

2009-12-06T17:37:00.000-08:00

* * *
i am currently digging some taylor swift.
* * *
i have a farm on my iPhone & currently growing tulips.
* * *
i love hats and gagabuss gloves
* * *
i can't focus on my homework.
* * *

Tonight

2009-12-02T18:01:00.001-08:00

This semester is winding down. Time has flown by faster than I can count to three. Every semester that passes is turning into the fastest one yet. I have three papers due tomorrow, one final next week, and another the week after. If I pass the way I'm supposed to, I will have only two semesters left so I hope I pass. :)

It's weird to see the end within sight. I imagine a world in which I am successful immediately after. Isn't that funny? I just hope I have enough money to eat and pay rent somewhere.

I have a kitty now named Sir Meows A Lot. He is actually a pretty big cat. He is currently keeping my legs farm. I love him.

fear

2009-11-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

fear of failure
fear of being forgotten
fear of rejection
fear of falling
fear of facing the truth
fear of being unloved
fear of not mattering
fear of being left out
fear of being unwanted
fear of being fearful

ever felt any of these?
i turn 23 tomorrow and i feel like this

Uh. Oh. Here's November.

2009-11-03T08:27:00.000-08:00

Reading blogs is so refreshing and inspiring. My friends' blogs remind me of what to pray for and what to praise Father for. It's a good thing.

October was insane. It seems like a million things happened in October, including my getting a new car, my parents visiting, me visiting my parents, Jessie Holley & Rachel visiting from Nashville, endless shows in the area, road tripping across Texas, seeing Robin and her girls... October went too quickly. It's not so much that I wanted it to stay October (even though it was wonderful!), but I didn't want November to come this fast.

You have heard me rant in the past about how I don't want to grow old, and how much I enjoy being young. I am so grateful for this past year and all the amazing happenings! I have never had so much fun in my life, and I am progressing! I am almost done with school, and I have traveled so much at the same time. This year I went halfway around the world to Japan, and have trekked across America multiple times. I have learned SO MUCH about the things I can do, the world around me, and sociology! I have two jobs and I have not gone hungry! God has been so good. I have to realize that God's goodness doesn't slow or lessen or end with MY age. And for some reason, I still dread getting older.

I turn 23 soon. Must I grow up?

Eek.

I am going to try so hard not to get depressed over my age. However, it is scary to grow older. And the longer I live, the faster the years go.

I have been blessed with a WONDERFUL life!! It has been full of adventures and risks and a series of ridiculously hilarious events! For that, I am grateful. I suppose in order to stay young, I'll have to double the adventure. Why wouldn't I?

P.S. It's Circleslide season... Waco on Sunday.

love the rain <3

2009-09-14T07:47:00.000-07:00

I'm drinking a warm cup a coffee on this rainy late summer morning. I am so excited about the change in weather that will lead to crisp sunny days and the crackling of golden leaves beneath my feet. I love the hot summer weather, and I enjoy a good sweat, but I believe my heart and soul are ready for fall.

Also, I just saw Circleslide's clip on San Antonio Living, and I suggest you readers to check it out. They perform a song named "Looking Up" and it is absolute amazing.. I only wish I could hear the whole thing and for the new album to be out now. I am so proud of them. :)

School this semester has started off with an intense bang, and I'm runnin' hard. It's all good, however, any spare hour I have is spent reading & writing. This means I have the perfect excuse to spend my days in Panera or Escape. I have constant homework and studying to do. I hope I only stay on top of it because I don't like to down in it. I can't wait to graduate like.. next fall.

I just want to also confess that I hadn't worked out in 4 days but this morning I got up and went to the fitness center to get back into my routine. Despite the rainy weather.

It's time to shower.

Oh, and I'm very excited about being in Lara's wedding. The bridesmaid dresses are beautiful and I know the wedding will be eminent! :)

It's a wonderful Life.. right NOW!

2009-09-04T20:59:00.000-07:00

School has started and I love all of my classes. I think this is going to be a good semester as long as I do my homework! And that's a LOT! But I'm excited because my two main projects this semester are writing essays... One lit review that answers how modern music influences the life of young adults... Second is a comparison/contrast between Japan and the Dominican Republic. Topics I love!! :)

Last weekend, Lindsay, Noelle, & I went to San Antonio to see my most favorite people on earth.. Circleslide. They are beautiful beautiful people with beautiful hearts. Debbie, the behind-the-scenes mastermind is totally my hero! The show was wonderful, out in the middle of nowhere in Bandera, TX. Surprisingly, many people know where that is.

Then Sunday we had lunch in Austin with my beautiful friend Linda and her family. What great friends! It was delicious and delightful!

Here are the guys... check'm out.. www.myspace.com/circleslide ... www.circleslide.net

don't be a grouch

2009-08-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a strange and different week with a series of obstacles and triumphs and learning experiences I hope will only bring me closer to Father.

The week started out with my first surgery ever, which involved the removal of cysts from my left breast. I'm not going to lie, this has been going on all summer... some moments were scarier than others. When you find lumps that should not be in your body IN your body.. it can cause your little heart to beat faster than normal. So I have been recovering from these things this week and I am grateful for my health.

This week also included tough heart lessons. I guess you could call this a form of spiritual surgery. Learning to see the pride and jealousy in myself and learning how to face those awful diseases. As a woman, it is easy to quickly become a monster, and that is that last thing I want to become since I am a Daughter of the Most High. How must I walk? How should I live? Teach me to serve and put others first before me, Father. This is Father disciplining me as the author of Hebrews writes in Ch. 12.

The God that I serve is an "all consuming fire"; He is a "tempest"; a "blazing fire that cannot be touched". I love all these descriptions of Father. I love that the kingdom that I have received, as an heir of Christ, "cannot be shaken". (hebrews 12)

Finally, school started again. I am very excited but I'm also so so ready to be done. I am feeling my age when I realize that this year I will be 23. Now.. if any older people read this, don't be grouchy at me. That's exactly what I'm trying to avoid. I want to stay young. SIGH

Not 23... please not 23. Can I stay 19 instead? Or 21?? 21 isn't too bad. Just not 23...

Coffee

2009-08-11T08:47:00.001-07:00

I simply want everyone to know how happy and carefree I am. My life is peaceful. I thought of this as I floated in the silent dark pool last night. I love it. :)

School starts in two weeks. Looking forward to it. I'll be sailing through as usual.

I am happy. :)

And drinking coffee is wonderful!

My Simple Pleasures

2009-08-06T20:49:00.000-07:00

Over the last ten years I have discovered that one of the things I find the most fascinating in creation is the art of Language. Screw all the people that got pissed at the collapse of the Tower of Babel. Language is one of my favorite things in the world.

I am very excited (and cross-eyed) at the fact that I have taken it upon myself to actually LEARN Japanese. I was going to settle for taking a class at UTD, but to my dismay, UTD is not offering BEGINNER'S Japanese I. It is only offering INTERMEDIATE Japanese I this semester. Well, friends, I don't know ANY Japanese, but where there's a will, there's a way, right?

Indeed, Damaris.

Well, there's a will right here that isn't giving up. I've found me a good book and a good iPhone App that have turned out to be very helpful in pronounciation and memorization. I am very excited that I'm actually LEARNING the language on my own. Really excited.

Well, maybe that is all for today. I am a happy person. :)

Girls

2009-07-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

This week has been different than other weeks because of my "new adventure". Definitely something I haven't done in the past. Nannying. I'm not new to childcare. Let's say I have more experience running a class of nine 2-yr-olds or fourteen 3-yr-olds. It's a little different when it's 2-on-1. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to learning as I go.

This second job is definitely an answered prayer. I find it quite amazing, yet not surprising, how God always comes through just at the right times, and many times, in different very creative ways. :) Indeed I am amazed.

Also this week, a beautiful friend of mine visited with me for two days and a half days. I absolutely adore this girl. We met briefly in Germany 3 years ago and have become good friends over the course of time. Of course, because we live far from each other, most of our conversations have been either on-line or via phone. However infrequent our talks were, they were always deep and rich, encouraging words and shared burdens. I have loved each of these chats and after two years of not seeing each other, we finally met again! :) It brought me so much JOY to see this Micah Mathis. God blessed me with her company!

I'm thankful that I was able to share some of the unspoken of parts of my heart, insecurities we all share as girls, but we never show. Do you ever wonder what we are so afraid of? We fear our closest friends and even ourselves, our own minds and our own hearts? We build shells so thick we can't even get in! I've been thinking about these things recently, and I only pray that Father shows me how to love girls the way He loves them, and to love MYSELF the way He loves ME! Isn't it strange... Instead of princesses dancing with delight, we have become crazies twirling with confusion! I twitch at the thought.

"trips"

2009-07-23T21:59:00.000-07:00

I've been back in the U.S. for a week today. The problem with coming back from these "trips" is that one must act as normal as possible so as to not freak people out or annoy the crap out of them, in particular our closest friends. It's a difficult trick I've had to learn the hard way. The extreme was people actually hating me for who I became following one of these adventures.

As I expected, I fell in love with another country and another culture and all 33 Million people of Tokyo, and only wish I could see the faces of the rest. Of course, I am not the person I was when I left America July 2nd. God opened my eyes to a new spiritual horizon..

Now I have to figure out what to do with it...

Sunday Ends.

2009-07-12T08:19:00.001-07:00

Today was a good day! Some parts were slow but we got to share the Gospel in spite of language barriers. Who knew that God could use tattoos to share Jesus!? I thank God that he showed himself to more people today! God has just been showing his face to his people in such unique and creative ways. I am learning about His Character in so many ways- through the kids I am serving with, the M's here, the culture, his word, and even the people here. Everything! Even the merchandise has "engrish" statements that express the desperate cry for Jesus! "Open your heart to me", "I have many dreams, so many we cannot speak", "I am so lonely, keep me company".

God is here. It's like a huge elephant in a room nobody has wanted to look at for so long that they have forgotten it is there. When they see a hint of it, they are surprised and delighted and shocked!

Pray that God will saturate this land with his glory and that we may get to taste that!

This is a picture of girls on another team and us. :-)

And another beautiful day in Japan...

2009-07-08T06:36:00.001-07:00

From The Tokyo Government Tower on the 45th floor, from the North, East, South, & West windows, the view is nothing but city as far as the eye can see. City, city, city, so much that it hurts your eyes. Over 33 million people live in the areas that the missionaries here are seeking to share with. The need is obviously great when you speak of the Bible and get blank stares because they haven't heard of it.

The people are beautiful, their faces scream innocence because they aren't at all aware of their hostage situation. As Grasshopper said, they are prisoners and don't even know it. People here are so kind, it is so overwhelming! Everyone smiles and their eyes seek to please. They are expected to work such long hours. Yesterday we met a man who works 11am-1am. And countless others do similarly. Their identity lies in what they do. In their eyes, that is their worth.

If only they knew, if only they all heard-Worth is in Christ Jesus, He is all they need.

Pray for these people, for salvation and great joy to come to this city. What a global awakening that would cause!

Today was such a good day! We prayer-walked a university and met friends of the interns here. Japanese people are so cute. Afterward, we stood in a busy area called Koku Bunji and did 5 Minute English. It was funny- we stood and yelled for hours without drawing many people and after a few minutes of just sitting and talking with each other, this guy approached us with drinks he had purchased just for us. He spoke very little English and was interested in what the guys had to say about Jesus. :-) we did get to talk to quite a few people though! It was great!

2009-07-07T07:28:00.001-07:00

Mobile photo

I am completely sore.

2009-07-06T05:58:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I like to do stupid things.
Such as play soccer with ultra-energetic Japanese guys.

In a dress.

I felt hardcore. Like really.

That was yesterday, so this morning I woke up barely able to move a muscle. So I'm glad today was an off day. I still hurt.

Note to self: I am not a boy.

Today I had my first Karaoke experience. America needs Karaoke bars like for real.

I have met Grasshopper's Japanese friends - Mai & Manami.

And as always I am committed to learning as much of the language as I can. Good luck.

Tomorrow is another ministry day! I'm excited! Be in prayer.

Here's a picture:

This is in the Karaoke Bar with Mai & Manami!

Mobile Post

2009-07-05T19:39:00.001-07:00

We made new friends @ the park yesterday!! They were beautiful & crazy! Can't wait to see them again!

Dear friends, today was the first day "on the job!" God is great! We started out with orientation which took about 3 hours, followed by lunch (btw Japanese food is great!!!) and then we headed to our ministry sites. I don't know how to spell our site name yet.

2009-07-04T08:55:00.001-07:00

The main activity was "5 Minute English" - we stand outside the train station holding up these signs while shouting anything along the lines of "Free English Conversation! Just 5 minutes!" until someone smiles shyly at us & we reel them in by being overly friendly & enticing. If people tried this in America, I would run away. I'm not gonna lie, at first I was really errr what's the word.. Self-conscious.. Until I quit- then I had a great time and had some good conversations. The end goal is to segway into our personal testimony then into the Gospel and our desire is to see new believers everyday.

Landing

2009-07-03T04:36:00.000-07:00

Hello, my friends.

Quick post. We made it to Japan safely. Yaaaayyy! Praise GOD the plane stayed in the air until landing time! The train brought us safely to Tokyo (the flight was 13.5 hours btw) and got to meet two awesome people that we'll be serving with.

Had good Japanese food that made my tummy happy and we walked around the area to stay awake till bed time. Guess what. It's bed time.

So I'm out! Peace, suckas!

Here I Come...

2009-06-30T09:39:00.001-07:00

It’s hard to believe that after these three nights, I will finally be on my way to another foreign land… the land of the rising sun. After two summers of watching others go and feeling left behind, but also knowing my place and task here in America, I am on the brink of something huge!

It has been a challenge to stay in America for so long, but I believe that in these two years that my heart has yearned to go, Father has been teaching me perseverance. Perseverance in the Word. Perseverance in prayer. Perseverance in obedience. Perseverance in that which is done “missionally” overseas should be done here too. He has opened my eyes to see my own home and my own country through His eyes. The eyes Christ had when he mourned over Jerusalem.

Three more nights. Then Japan.

I will only be there for two weeks. That is enough for Father to wake my senses and rekindle a fire that has long been fighting for life. I know I am going to fall in love with this country. I know I am going to fall deeply for this people. I can tell so many things will occur from experience, but there is still so much mystery, so much unknown. There is so much that I don’t know to expect!

I am praying for specific things. I am praying for the Japanese believers there that have recently begun to follow Christ. I am praying for specific ones who haven’t yet followed but Father is calling them. I am praying for mornings in which I will pick up coffee in the same place, I pray there for divine appointments. I pray for lasting friendships. I pray for the servants that are there long-term making Father famous.

Please join me in prayer as I go. I can’t wait to keep you updated while I’m there.

Camp Day 1

2009-06-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

At camp with Circleslide in Oklahoma. It is great.

Tired.

Day one is good. Love the conversations I've had.

God is beautiful.

Oh Joy!

2009-05-03T12:58:00.000-07:00

I am blogging from my phone so props to me because this is really annoying but I like it because it's different. I am really excited that this semester is just about over! All of last week my life has been sucked up by book reviewing & essay writing. Tomorrow I turn my essays in and go to an 8:30am test then I don't have any finals until friday and then HELLO SUMMERRR!!! Wooot!! This summer will be phenomenal because for the 1st time since 2006, I will be leaving the country & exploring Father's GLORY & making Him famous out yonder! Where, you ask? JAPAN!!! :-D.

My best friend Grasshopper & I will be joining missionaries in Tokyo for two weeks in July to pray & serve & encourage & share the love of Jesus!!! Guys, I cannot wait to see what Father is doing there first hand! I've heard the stories & now I wanna see for myself. If you wanna know how you can support me, leave me a comment. I would love you to be a part of my journey!

God is good!

And I'm done typing on my phone for now! :-)

Question.

2009-04-03T23:25:00.000-07:00

In my dream last night, someone significant asked me the question “Where do you see me in ten days?” I was very confused and wondered if he had misquoted the question or if I had heard him wrong. In my dream I stood with my eyebrows pushing together and hesitation hanging on my lips – should I ask him what he means or if he could rephrase? What? Where do I see you in ten days? Don’t you mean years? Or do you mean location? You could be in so many places! I don’t know your schedule. What do you mean?

I walked away with the thought at the forefront. I woke up. It was 8:00 a.m.

The dream haunted me from the moment I rolled out of bed, loomed over me at work, and drove me home late at night. I mulled over it every second I could distract myself from the daily activities, seeking a reason, a meaning, or the answer to the question!

As I brushed my teeth, I realized the question had nothing to do with it’s speaker; instead it had everything to do with me. I thought about the alternative question that is commonly asked: “Where do you see yourself in five years? …in ten years?” …etc. I thought about the intent of that question and what the common responds are: Running a company, promoted to a higher position, finished with an extended education, etc. We ask ourselves these questions to set long-term goals, to get us somewhere in the long run, to be different in the years ahead – different and successful.

What if the question in my dream was the micro-level version of that? What if it applied to me? What if I am supposed to ask myself the question: Where do I see myself in ten days? Set realistic goals to make a difference in myself now rather than in five or ten years; acknowledge that which needs change in myself, whether it’s unhealthy habits or callous characteristics, and make the change in ten days. Measure it, keep myself accountable, discipline myself, and be a change in ten days.

So the question stands. Every day.

Where do I see myself in ten days?

2009-03-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

It is He who made the earth by his power,
Who established the world by his wisdom
And by his understanding stretched out the heavens

When he utters his voice there is a tumult of waters in the heavens
And he makes the mist rise from the ends of the earth.
He makes lightning for the rain,
And he brings forth the wind from His storehouses.
Jeremiah 10:12-13

If this isn't amazing, I don't know what is.

Just one more thing... I want to feel it!

"Super Mini Tour!!"

2009-03-07T22:12:00.000-08:00

I was fortunate, and oh so blessed, enough to be able to join my beloved brothers in Outside the Camp on their Mini Tour this weekend. I am not going to water this down at all. It was an INCREDIBLY PHENOMENAL ADVENTURE!! Alright, the tour itself consisted of two shows which weren't too far from each other, but the concept of tour itself was rad.

We left Dallas and headed to my lovely home town of Belton, TX around 11:45am Thursday. We didn't have the typical "van-and-trailer" set; instead, we rolled in Casey's navy blue explorer, and Chris's pick-up truck. I was privileged to ride in the tiny middle seat between Chris and Justin. I'm used to being tucked into small spaces so that didn't bother me much. We arrived in Belton, and within the first hour, one of our beautiful Belton Diehards provided us all with Sonic drinks. AMAZING!!!

The night was great. Outside the Camp opened, followed by a local rapper and the Whitlee Casey Band. OTC had a GREAT crowd that absolutely LOVED them! Since I am from Belton, I was really hoping that more Belton folks would show, but those who did - you ROCK!! Props to Sarah S, Quincy, and Jefte who came out to be a part of FRONT-AND-CENTER!! The rest of the crowd was beautiful too. Beautiful outdoor show.

We technically hadn't eaten all day, either. We were STARVING by the end of the show. If you followed any of my Tweets, you'd know that it got to the point where you just don't FEEL the hunger... you just HEAR your stomach begging. It's pretty intense, no lie.

The heroes of the night. Sarah and her amazing roommate Rachel. They offered last minute to take us in and feed us a FULL BLOWN MEAL. Whoa. Chicken with green beans and Mac & Cheese on the side. AMAAAAZZZZIIIINNNGGGG!!! The guys stayed at the Holley Barn, and I crashed at Sarah's. The following morning we woke up to breakfast cooked by Rachel. Listen to this! Bacon, Sausage, Eggs and PANCAKES!! Not to mention the amazing OJ!! Being "Dieharded" was the most AMAZING feeling in the world. Thinking "We didn't ask for this, but they're serving us anyway." Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa.

We are ever SO GRATEFUL.

We headed up to Grand Prairie after picking up some coffee. Had some lovely encounters while picking up coffee too. Ask me about those in person.

In Grand Prairie, we were welcomed by a crew of free roadies waiting to unload our equipment. Freaken fastest unloading EVER. I set up the merch table while the guys set the stage. Had some funny encounters with some people there too. While I was doing my bio homework for class, a lady asked me if I studied biology while I was bored or "do you actually have a plan?" I don't know what she thought of me. But it was funny. I told her I actually went to college like a lot of normal kids my age. She seemed pretty surprised.

As the only girl on the "super mini tour", I felt and learned a lot of things even in just those 36 hours. I will make a list.

- I felt so comfortable ALL THE TIME.
- I never worried about what I looked like.
- I appreciated bathroom breaks.
- I was free to kick it with the guys or wander off by myself.
- I felt safe.
- Sometimes, I had to ignore my own needs. Like hunger.
- I could be honest with what I thought without fearing to hurt feelings.
- Being a metal head with the windows rolled down on the road is AWESOME!!
- Travel + Shows = Exhausting.
- Travel + Shows = Addicting.
- Travel + Shows = Exhilarating.
- Travel + Shows = I wanna do it again!!

There's obviously many MORE thoughts that went through my head, but I can't recollect them all at the moment.

I want the Belton Girls that took us in to know how APPRECIATED they are. We love you. Thank you SO MUCH for your Love and Generosity. It absolutely meant the WORLD to us that you did what you did. Thank you.

Peace!

cheezy

2009-02-24T13:58:00.000-08:00

I love my life.

I'm not sure exactly why, but the truth is I am enjoying school, church, the music, my family, my job, my friends - all over the country and beyond. That sounds cheezy. But it's true.

I love that I can text a few friends and only a few hours later we are all piled into a Yukon going to nashville over night. I love the adventure that everyday contains even if it seems like everything is going wrong. I love that I can drop by my parents' house in Belton, surprise them, and play with puppies. I love dancing across UMHB's campus with two friends that are as crazy as me.

This is a really cheezy blog.

But it's true.

new obsession

2009-02-12T09:31:00.000-08:00

i have found delight in cooking and making food and serving it. i'm experimenting with recipes and i'm excited to try out new stuff and hopefully when things turn out perfect, people will it eat and smile and say, "damaris, that was good."

not going to lie. my heart jumped when casey said "Damaris, did you make this from scratch?? Cause it's goooooood!"

so here's this morning's experiment of my Breakfast Omelet Casserole...

Vision

2009-02-10T00:09:00.000-08:00

Tonight I had some guys from two of our best friend bands over at my new apartment and I cooked for them. Grasshopper and Bethany were here and we just chilled and ate and relaxed and told funny stories and laughed. It was a beautiful moment in this safe haven of freedom and community with those whom share a dream.

This is a piece of my vision.

Thank you, Father.

New

2009-02-07T23:18:00.001-08:00

moving to a brand new place feels like i'm staying at a hotel.

for 12 months.

why does that seem so eternal??

review

2009-01-29T14:44:00.000-08:00

I've been working on this silly exam review for my biology class and i'm tired of doing it. it will be worth it in the end, for sure.

i think i'm going to put in a movie in the living room and work on it there. yes. that sounds like a brilliant idea.

anyway, i can't say that this day hasn't been relaxing. i've enjoyed it. quiet and solitude are tasty. <3

look. i found a lion the other day.

honesty

2009-01-27T19:23:00.000-08:00

i don't understand why it is so hard for me to sit, read, and meditate on scripture. it is hard. i am lazy. it overcomes me sometimes. i lose.

i mustn't stop though. i cannot give up on trying, because that is the "training" paul wrote to timothy about. i MUST train myself. i MUST discipline myself harshly. so much that it hurts. i have to keep running. by reading. by consuming. by meditating and dwelling in the word that is bread, life for my spirit, it is Jesus.

and like HE commands in john 6, and i come back to this passage often, in which he says "EAT MY FLESH & DRINK MY BLOOD!" once i taste him, once i savor him, he is delicious and i am to crave more of him, i am to lose control and devour him. i want to lose control, i want to savor Christ, and crave Him, i want to not be able to live without the taste of Christ on my lips.

and after HE taught this, many walked away because it was a hard teaching. he turns to his disciples and asks them if they're going to walk out on Him too. They reply, Jesus, we KNOW that you are the Christ, the Son of God. Where ELSE can we go?

reflection

2009-01-25T07:52:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting in belton, fixing to ride off to a church in town and probably see a few people i know or knew or something. i'm looking forward and really hoping that i see a certain couple - dub and wendy falsone. these were my youth ministers when i was in high school. i haven't talked to them in years. i've simply lost touch. no email. no facebook. not even a phone number. and recently i've felt the urge to simply tell them thank you. they were an inspiration that pushed me to where i am today... wherever i am. i know its a good place and i know my faithfulness is due to them and people like them that Father placed in my life. sometimes i still find myself needing them. they never failed to speak truth or encourage. i hope i see them today.

so much happened in this place that i'm grateful for. good things. and I'm grateful.

ugh..

2009-01-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

today has exhausted me.

i use a different kind of energy when i have to depend on other people to haul me around. and a totally different kind of energy when riding a bike from school to work and trying to make it in under 15 minutes. i don't like asking people for help. i feel like i am such a nuisance and an inconvenience. in fact. i know i am. i apologize to the world for being so needy.

today felt like the longest day. and i hate having to explain myself and i hate telling the same story about unintentionally blowing up my cars over and over again. and i hate being disappointed at the end of the day.

He pursues me...

2009-01-20T19:21:00.000-08:00

We will shine like stars in the universe
Holding out your truth in the darkest place
We'll be living for your glory
Jesus, we'll be living for your glory

We will burn so bright with your praise, Oh God
And declare your light to this broken world
We'll be living for your glory
Jesus, we'll be living for your glory
_matt redman_

Grasshopper has said countless times how much of a Japan song this is, and tonight I've sat myself down and for the last three hours I've been typing up worship songs onto a power point and listening to them as I go, multiple times. The words have been penetrating and stirring to my soul. I keep trying to stop, but each song is a reminder of God's love and mercy for us, and a plea to return the love to Him. I will be the first to admit how hard it is to be in love with Jesus. I ask myself, how can such a beautiful majestic being be so eager to love me, so quick to embrace me with all my broken parts, how can he be so persistent in his pursuit of me, how can He love me?

Now I've found the Greatest Love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life- the greatest sacrifice...
So here I stand, knowing that I'M YOUR DESIRE
_matt redman_

I am broken. Shattered. Rusted. Useless. Every thinkable flaw is mine. Yet He loves me and lets me share in His beauty.

Forgiven so that I can Forgive
_m.r._

MAJESTY, MAJESTY
YOUR GRACE HAS FOUND ME JUST AS I AM
EMPTY HANDED
BUT ALIVE IN YOUR HANDS

MAJESTY, MAJESTY
FOREVER I AM CHANGED BY YOUR LOVE
IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR MAJESTY

how do i do it!

2009-01-19T10:30:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure how I do it, but I've managed to kill two cars. None of which death's have been MY fault, of course. Yesterday, the mini-van my parents' lent me died on me in the middle of the highway - smoke everywhere, and everything. It's at Texas Jupiter Chevrolet in Garland, waiting to be diagnosed by my friend David that owns the body shop. I hope I get it back soon and well.

Errr... yeah, I'm car-less.

Smokin'!

2009-01-12T18:09:00.001-08:00

Today was my first day of school. I find I'm most stirred or awe-struck when I'm doing something, as opposed to just sitting. This morning I walked from my 8 o'clock to my 9:30 class across campus. Due to the construction at school, I couldn't walk through buildings or take my typical shortcuts. Instead I had to travel around the whirl of giant machines and mountains of rubble. On my chilly morning hike, I could suddenly smell it. Smell what, you may ask.

Not many people know this about me, but I have an obsession with a certain kind of of cigarette smoke. Because I don't smoke or ever have, I have no knowledge of types of cigarettes - but there is this certain one that was commonly smoked in Germany, and everywhere I went, I could smell it. After spending a summer in Germany, I came to America and would intentionally sit in restaurant and coffee shop patios near the smokers only to smell the smoke. However, most of the time, it only made me gag. But I discovered that I could smell it more in Dallas close to the sophisticated European old men at Starbucks. I was delighted.

Back on my walk to class, chilled by the cold morning and listening to the rumble of the construction, the distinct scent gently reached my nose which triggered flashbacks to the very walks from the train station where I got off every morning to walk through the endless construction and the smoking men in the stretch between the station and the hostel.

And it was beautiful.

Whose am I?

2009-01-07T22:07:00.000-08:00

It is always enlightening to return to my old journals or past entries and rediscover my scribbled thoughts and experiences. (Not that I ever had anything brilliant to write - it is the unfolding pattern of God's fingerprints in my journey that amazes me.) I found this from late July of 08:

When I was in Germany, one of the repeated lessons was "it's not about WHAT you do; it's about WHOSE you are." Notice the lesson had nothing to do with who I am! It's so easy to forget that simple thought - and the question itself is powerful if it is applied to everything! Whose am I?! The obvious answer is Jesus. But what does that entail? Why should that affect everything else? So I guess the question I must ask myself is...
Who is Jesus to me?

That is pretty simple. And I just want to reflect a little longer on this train of thoughts. First off, the hardest acknowledgment - It's not about me. It's not about my selfish desires or wants; it's not about my glory or personal pursuits; it's not about what makes me happy... yeah step 1 is pretty challenging. (And that's an understatement.)

If my existence is solely based on who I belong to, then what does that mean? What should that look like? Whose am I? Jesus. Why should it matter that I live my life in a way that reflects my belonging to Him? If it is about Him, then shouldn't my life then echo His worth? (and yes, I did steal that phrase from that song they sing at the Village.) This should then drive my very essence - my breathing, my sleeping, my eating, my resting, my working, my pursuits, my pleasures should be driven by Whose I am.

Such a simple phrase can have monumental implications...

It's not about what you do. It's about whose you are.

Who is my master? Jesus. Who is He to me? Is He a mythical creature of some sort we subconsciously believe will bring us good luck? Is He a historical being who's been long dead and has no personal meaning to me today? "Who do YOU say that I am?" -sound familiar?- This is the question that makes it real personal. This is the question that makes me not just glance over things I've thought or said in the past - this is no longer what my mom or dad or sunday school teachers taught me. This is up-close and personal with JC & Me. Who is Jesus to me?

He is alive, and present - here with me now, in this very room, mingling with my soul. He IS life and He GIVES life and He TAKES life. Since He is the Author of Life He must be God. He knows the ins and the outs, yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and forever. He is everlasting. Jesus is unfathomable yet intimate. Strong yet gentle.

I could write until my fingers fell off, and then Jasper the Cat would have to take over. What does this mean for the living of this Life I have? What do I do with this breath? What do I do with this voice? What do I do with my hands and my feet and my brain? What has He called me to do with what He's given me TODAY? With my time and my space and my thoughts and my creativity and my laughter and my tears? Pursue His Glory with these. Seek HIS Kingdom! Grasp the Gospel and Live it. Make Him Famous.

Make JESUS Famous

2009-01-04T22:59:00.000-08:00

I've never felt satan's presence as strongly as I did tonight. I believe we walked away from the curtain club with the knowledge that the Name of Jesus Christ was worshiped there tonight though.

Lord, Reign.

the worst

2009-01-03T23:26:00.000-08:00

It is not a battle against flesh and blood, but it sometimes it sure does feel like it. Sometimes it feels like all I've got is my flesh and the blood running through me, and nothing else. I feel so shallow and 2nd grade. Obviously, God is there. But the constant thrashing remains, endless debates in my head, wrestling in my heart, and what for? I feel like nothing that I am doing is doing what I want it to be doing, or what I say it is doing. I'm being so vague, but that's because my feelings are vague. There is a painful consternation within me, but I can't put my finger on it, or what is causing it.

I guess it is my ingrained selfishness that is causing me so much distress. My insecurities surface, and I wonder how much of my selfishness is pushing those I love away. Or is it all my imagination? Or is it just the holidays and the stress they bring to all of us. It's bad enough when friends tell me I'm intimidating, and others who give me specific jobs at their weddings because I'm "power hungry". In my selfishness, I never meant to hurt anyone, I never meant to bite. Why am I so pathetically needy? I carry stones in my soul that keep me from falling apart.

Where is Jesus in my life? Why do I look away from Him? Why am I so easily distracted? Am I the only one who feels this way? Am I alone in my confusion? That is the worst question of all. Am I alone?

...

i hate writing this. but there must be some exposure.

Online Scrapbooking is Fun.

2009-01-02T20:34:00.000-08:00

Oooooh! Look what I made!! It's about our trip to San Antonio back in November.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

bla bla bla 2009

2009-01-01T16:28:00.000-08:00

Every semester and every year is always different. I absolutely loved living with the Johnson's Fall of 08. It is now time to live with brother Jehu again. It's weird how often I move. All of my things are shoved into boxes or gift bags or large purses of a sort, waiting to be unpacked. Ironically enough, however, we are only living in this apartment before moving to another closer to campus in February. I feel like I'm floating through life, bouncing from place to place.

Anyway, it was fun to start the "New Year" the way I did, with all the Diehards and our favorite local bands and a bunch of high school kids. I am, however, not planning on ever staying up all night again... EVER.

And also, I want recipes. For anything. Main dishes, salads, soups, anything - send them in. :-)

Well... nothing too cheesy here. Just thankful 2009 is finally here.

muddy unpaved roads

2008-12-23T18:25:00.000-08:00

I don't know what uncovers the memories - so vivid and full of color and sound and smells - of distant times and places. The unleashing of these images in my mind could be triggered by images before my very eyes of muddy unpaved roads, children singing in another language, a curtain for a door, or even simply rising before the sun to get on the road. Could it be the time spent in prayer over demon-crawling shrines to the dead? I don't know.

But it all seems to be tucked away in the same corner of my mind. I remembered the night so long ago, a group of friends and I flew into the tiny Caribbean country of the Dominican Republic and rode in a cramped van to the apartments we'd stay in for the next 10 days. I remember the music, the thick humidity pressing against my skin, the daily afternoon shower slamming against the tin roof over Melina's house, the tambora beating as we had church in her apartment, the loud worshiping that leaked out to the streets, and then we walked out to live with the community and simply love. How beautiful it was to stand at the edge of a cliff and watch the turquoise-crystal sea crash against the rocks below and simply breath "How Great Thou Art!!"

My spirit wanders to more recent memories in which I run across the Frankfurt airport with my last breath to catch my connecting flight to one of the most diverse cities I've ever been in. Jet-lagged and out of breath, I climb aboard the jet that will take me to Koeln. My mind takes me to the steps of the Dom... I stand there trying to understand the unfathomable greatness of this building which was initially built for the worship of Father. My legs take me past the crushing crowd of tourists to the elaborately massive doors taking me into this gothic cathedral. A hush of whispers constantsly floods the atmosphere, and the holiness is interrupted by the flashing of cameras, the honor is stripped, and the place is raped. We sit in a pew, silently trying to restore its sanctity, yet asking ourselves how God turned into a commercialized tourist attraction...

The last two nights, I sat in small surviving churches - one in the heart of and another in the slums of Nuevo Laredo, Mexico - with a heart that beat so loudly it was more than audible! My favorite part was the time in which they opened up the floor to any member of the congregation that wished to express gratitude for anything! What a beautiful thing it was to see! And after the singing and free participation in the service, the warm fellowship that followed was alive and jubilant!

It is in these moments that Christ becomes so real to me, so near. It is as if He is standing before me asking "Who do you say I am? From what you see, hear, taste, smell, feel - who Am I?" And my answer can never encompass Him - who He is - His essence - I can't do it with words, or song, or even jumping or falling on my knees in raw adoration. It is more than I can fathom. Love, Atonement, Freedom, Redemption, Rescue, Savior, Grace, Righteousness, Mercy, Beautiful... All this and more!!

I'm searching deep within the depths of my soul and become frustrated with the inability to find the song that will do His praise justice.

So my mind simply takes me back...

Muddy unpaved roads.

2008-12-11T22:10:00.000-08:00

I really enjoy falling in love with new bands and songs I hear on the radio. Ever Stays Red... you are beautiful.

I really enjoy preparing for shows, trips to Japan, and other fun stuff!

I really enjoy hiding under the covers when it's really really cold.

:-)

:-)

2008-12-10T08:23:00.001-08:00

I am so excited to see Mr. Toby Mac and the Diverse City gang again, with of course all the other wonderful people.

<3

He still hit me...

2008-12-04T21:10:00.000-08:00

Sometimes things happen so unexpectedly and plans change with absolutely no warning.

I got in a car wreck today.

I'd never been in a wreck before - not in any kind. That is one thing I had never experienced, and never wished to experience... kinda like the death of someone close to me.

I am physically okay.

Psychologically, I am and will be a little screwed up. It was unbelievable to see pieces of my car demolishing before my very eyes. It was unbelievable seeing that Dodge Charger roll through his stop sign and drive straight into me while I was right in front of him.

I had just gotten out of a final, I had comfortably adjusted in my car, drove out of the University campus. My plans were to get gas, drive the two and a half hours home to Belton, and enjoy my family and a warm bowl of vegetable soup. I had a dentist appointment tomorrow. I was going to escape from the big city for a very short while before coming back and hitting the ground running with finals and shows.

Tara, the Agent and his friend came to my rescue... took me to Taco Bell to shake it off. My car was drivable, so I took it home to Garland. Grasshopper came over with Starbucks Hot Chocolate. I was on the phone with insurance people for a while. I was on the phone with my parents for a while. Grasshopper and I talked for a while.

It's a strange feeling. It's an awful feeling. I don't like being 22. There is so much fear and terror and angst inside of me caused from all this. I don't know how to deal with this. I can't be afraid, but I am. I just want to crawl into a hole for the rest of my life.

It feels like my very first fire drill. My dad picked my cousin Mariel and I up from Kinder Garden and asked us how our day went. Tears welled up in my eyes as I said I never wanted to go to school again. He asked me why. I said I didn't want to go because it caught on fire, and I was afraid.

It's that same Kinder Garden Fire Drill Fear in the pit of my stomach that makes my insides writhe and I want to throw up. I don't want to do that again. I was being so careful. Tonight I was specifically checking my speed limit, stopping at the previous yellow light, deliberately using my blinker, and turning left onto the left lane instead of going towards the middle or right lane. See, I thought I was being pursued by a campus security guard so I was being extra careful. And the guy still hit me.

I asked him if he was drunk and he said no. He simply said, "I didn't see you, ma'am."

Oishi des...

2008-12-02T22:17:00.000-08:00

I don't feel like I am sitting on the wayside anymore living a life who's heart beats just to stay alive. My heart beats for a passion...
-Lara, Passions?

When I look at the new world around me, I wonder how I got here - how did I meet these people? how did I put this together? how am I doing this? I realize it is my heart that beats for a passion burnt in it - though sometimes the vision is unclear, the wheels continue to turn and my feet continue to climb.

It is for the Glory of Father, for the sharing in His Joy, that I seek this with all my heart. Whatever this crazy thing is, in the world of music, in the pursuit of missions - that which is making Christ famous. All of this together.

I was reading in Haggai last night and came upon powerful words from the Lord which said..

Now, therefore, thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. 6 You have sown much, and harvested little. You eat, but you never have enough; you drink, but you never have your fill. You clothe yourselves, but no one is warm. And he who earns wages does so to put them into a bag with holes. 7 “Thus says the Lord of hosts: Consider your ways. 8 Go up to the hills and bring wood and build the house, that I may take pleasure in it and that I may be glorified, says the Lord. 9 You looked for much, and behold, it came to little. And when you brought it home, I blew it away. Why? declares the Lord of hosts. Because of my house that lies in ruins, while each of you busies himself with his own house. 10 Therefore the heavens above you have withheld the dew, and the earth has withheld its produce. 11 And I have called for a drought on the land and the hills, on the grain, the new wine, the oil, on what the ground brings forth, on man and beast, and on all their labors.

This reminds me of the indesctructible joy that can be had when running after Father, and living our lives passionately for Him. How filled can we be when we surrender to HIS glory and HIS riches and HIS purpose!

I am excited beyond belief about my friends who've inspired me in my walk with Father. The Fatal Formality guys who are all about starting a Red Riot (red representing the blood of Jesus - NOT communism) are headlining a show at the DOOR in Plano this Friday. Headlining. For those that don't know the lingo, that means they're IT! Beautiful thing about them is that no matter who they're playing with, where they're playing, they ALWAYS preach the Gospel and encourage Believers to not just sit on they're pews but to ACT. They seek out relationships with the kids, they pray with them, they count conversations rather than sales. They've radically stirred my heart for Jesus. So this Friday... May the Name of Christ be made Famous

22 is freaking me out man

2008-11-30T21:35:00.000-08:00

Recovering from a killer cold, Thanksgiving, and a birthday, I may finally be standing up on my feet again. Only to be crushed by the avalanching finals in the following two weeks. Oh - here they come!

Shouldn't be too bad. I can take on anything.

Except being 22. It's kinda freaking me out.

Grasshopper and I went up to PowerFM today to deliver Japanese food to our lovely friend Rachel Skinner, and hung out with her for a bit. In the last two days, we've watched Lost in Translations and Almost Famous. Last week the Diehards went to see Twilight for my Birthday. Have I mentioned I have the greatest Diehards? And Shawn.. she's a Diehard groupie because she refuses to be a Diehard. I love her.

Okay. I'm heading out.

22 is freaking me out.

Twenty-Two.

2008-11-26T21:50:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful for every breath and every day Father has given me, but sometimes I am frightened by some of the things the Elderly say to me.

For example, I lovely woman that is at least 40 years older than me was listing off all the horrible things that happen to one when one gets a certain age. You're skin bruises easily. You get sick easily. Your internal clock only lets you sleep for so long sometimes you're up before sunrise. You fall asleep watching your favorite show without even realizing it.

And then I read a line in a Maxine Book that said "I don't iron. If I'm not wrinkle-free, why should my clothes be?"

This is only a day after I turned 22 and I realize I'm NOT 17... I'm NOT 19... I'm NOT 21... I'm 22!!! TWENTY-TWO!!!

So I suddenly want to RUN until I'm completely out of breath, I want to JUMP until my heart can't beat any faster, I want to STAY OUT until I crash a day later in class, I want to TRAVEL and HIKE and CLIMB and NOT HAVE KIDS!!!!

I want to take this moment and REALLY make the best of it. And live so well and so much that chances are I won't make it to the wrinkles and easy-bruising.

Gee.

Life is precious. DANCE with it Now.

1986

2008-11-26T09:04:00.000-08:00

I'm 22 as of yesterday at 7am.

Weird.

18 more years and I'm 40.

Gross.

Jesus, come quick???

Jesus

2008-11-06T13:23:00.000-08:00

Several months ago, I started to read the book of John. I chose John because Jesus was in it. I was discovering how much "theology" and terms I knew, but how I was slowly losing the simple friendship I had with Jesus. In the last months I have been reading John for the sake of knowing who Jesus is. His character, his personality, his behavior.

You know how when you have a crush on someone you start noticing everything about them? Their quirks, silly phrases, then as your interest grows deeper, you pay more and more attention to they're behavior, and you want to know more and more about them. That is how I feel about Jesus right now. Though it's been hard to read (I won't lie), I find myself reading certain situations Jesus was in and eagerly waiting to see what Jesus would do next. How will he handle the circumstance? How will he treat this or that man or woman? What will his tone be? What was he thinking?

I find myself confused and delighted by the words that come out of his mouth. I giggle at times. At other times, I get angry. Some things he says scare me. Sometimes, when he says things... I realize how much I suck. And so I get sad. And... I cry. But then he offers grace. And I'm comforted, although I don't deserve that grace or hope or comfort.

Here are some things he has said that I adore.

"Because I said to you, 'I saw you under the fig tree,' do you believe? You will see greater things than these." (1:50)

"It is I; do not be afraid." (6:20)

"Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her" (and they all walk away except for the woman and Jesus.) "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" (She answers, No, Lord.) "Neither do I condemn you; go, and from now on sin no more." (8:7-11)

"I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?" (11:25,26)

"Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? 'Father, save me from this hour'? But for this purpose I have come to this hour: Father, glorify your name." (12:27,28)

Really... Go read all these in context. The moments are intense, passion-filled... ridiculous. Seriously... if you read any of this... Go fall in love with Jesus.

And my friend Ashley loves me. And I love her.

Old enough to know... Too young to care!

2008-11-04T22:10:00.000-08:00

I honestly cannot think of words to describe my recent mini-vacation adventure spent with the Holley's, Circleslide, and my BFF Grasshopper. It was exciting, inspiring, thought-provoking, and pretty much incredible. It involved stuffed animals and skeletons, boat rides and historical sites, mariachi bands and fajitas, and lots of Japanese and Jesus conversation!

Since last night I've been talking to put words together to describe my thoughts but I fail.

Grasshopper did a good job and her blog should be read. www.korogi.blogspot.com

For the sake of being strange, Grasshopper and I have decided to take on the Week Day Vegetarian lifestyle. This means that we only eat meat on weekends, starting Friday evenings.

Today was our first Veggie Day and I'm extremely hungry. Haha! I am set on learning about all the creative ways to consume energy in the form of food without eating meat. Others have done it! So can I!

We're crazy.

Tyler, Eric, & Jonathan. We were teaching them how to be Japanese. Pahaaa!

Dexter and Carl reenacting the battle at the Alamo. Dexter mourns his friend Carl.

In the back of the Holley's amazing car with one of the bestest friends I could ask for.

So I'm Stupid.... but it's OK!

2008-11-02T07:19:00.000-08:00

First of all, I feel so retarded because my phone alarm went off at 9:00a.m. - the time I intended it to go off. Well, my phone didn't automatically roll back as I'd expected it to. I jumped out of bed because this much anticipated day was FINALLY here! I took a shower and got dressed. With my hair still wrapped in a towel, I went to my laptop to play music and saw the time on the corner said 8:35.... WHAT?! I looked at the other clocks that had been turned back, and needless to say, I was an hour ahead of the rest of the world, and missed out on my "extra" hour of sleep.

Dang it.

I put make-up on but refuse to do my hair until it is the proper time. So... instead of rushing, I had a calm breakfast of Honey Roasted Oats Cereal, while reading a newspaper article on the near-future increase in economic regulation. Yes. I read an entire newspaper article in the BUSINESS section. And I love Anberlin.

I am currently typing this blog and sipping coffee. But not just any coffee. It's Vinacafe, which is incredible Vietnamese coffee that I was introduced to by the cute little Vietnamese ladies I used to work with. It is wonderful. And they also taught me to use sweetened condensed milk as creamer. Ooooohhhhh it is incredible.

I must say I have been blessed this semester with some of the most beautiful friends I could ask for. Not only can I sing every word of the The Wedding's retarded "Arkansas" song with them, but they model selflessness in a way I'd never seen before. :-) I saw that this week and was completely blown away. I love the encouragement we get from each other when it comes to living hardcore missionally, when our hearts break for the nations, when I just want to text all night about my desire to make Christ famous in Japan, they don't complain, they only encourage and it is BEAUTIFUL!!! I love that dreaming bigger is encouraged. I love how serving Christ on the edge is approached fearlessly. I love my Diehards and the Fatal Formality boys. They blow me away.

Okay. Time to do my hair!!

P.S. I am going to San Antonio today to see my favorite band ever.. umm.. CIRCLESLIDE!!! More amazing people that inspire me! Aaaand I'm getting to stay with very important people known as the Holleys. They're my best friend's parents who are going to be at my wedding. :-)

Love is War & You're Worth Every Fight!!!

2008-10-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

It has been a life-time journey, and I'm sure it's not over. Not till I'm with Him. The Journey of discovering where my Worth is found. In the last year, specifically, the question screams within my being:

DAMARIS, WHERE IS YOUR WORTH?!?!?!

The answer in my head is always the same but the one in my heart constantly shifts. In the last couple of months, I have been free to know that my Worth is found in Christ. Upon her return from Germany, Lara left a note on one of the paintings on the 506 wall that said:

"Remember, your worth is found in Christ. Not in boys, or anything."

A simple message that many of us need to hear.

"Your Worth is found in Christ."

As I'm learning this, I am also discovering the detrimental effect the world around us has on the hearts of men and women. I speak specifically to and for the millions of girls and women who hastily apply make-up to hide the scars and bruises left by previous affairs and current insecurities. I see how 15-second advertisements on TV or images on magazines dehumanize you and I, setting an impossible standard for our bodies, our personalities, our fashion, our relationships. I hear the conversations around me about not feeling good enough, friendly enough, sexy enough, skinny enough, peppy enough, trendy enough, and it breaks my heart to see most of us in this "not enough" incarceration.

What are we killing ourselves to please? Imperfect members of the opposite sex? I personally know the hideous monster that looms over our beds at night as we wonder what we can change about ourselves to please him, to make him like us. Some of us destroy ourselves away until there is nothing left to give. We spend sleepless nights wrestling with our flaws and we can't make them go away.

Freedom is this:

Your Worth is Found in Christ. Not in a boy, or anything.

Woman,... Girl,... Celebrity,... High school freshman,... Who ever You are,...
You are not alone. You are a jewel. You are a Vessel of Glory. You are a Treasure.

It's NOT about What you do. It is about WHOSE you are.

If there is anything I would ever want anyone to know and cling to is that your worth is in Christ!! His scars and the blood that poured from his wounds cry out how much you're worth!! And that is ALL you need!

Your worth is in Christ!
Your worth is in Christ!
Your worth is in Christ!!!

Colors of Grace

2008-10-26T22:43:00.000-07:00

God's grace is simple. I see it like this:

My body may feel sick and deteriorating, but I am still physically able to smile.
The wind that makes my hair dance when the cold front's blowing in.

Sometime's His grace is painful. Yet beautiful in hindsight.

Protection and refinement of the heart through ache and break.
A lonely lost walk in the wilderness, because that is the only way to draw nearer to Him.

His Grace is Sufficient. I'm slow to learn. :-)

What's better than Euros?! I know!!!

2008-10-25T00:56:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure who all reads this... but whoever does.. please do as I say. Or else.

There are a few bands out there who have impacted my life so strongly, they have no idea. Because for some unknown reason they have chosen to love on the Diehards and I so much... I am going to do my best to support them in promoting them because I love them so much. I've seen the heart of Christ beating in these, so please, if you have seconds and dollars to spare - which... if you live in America, you probably do. - check these out:

Fatal Formality - www.myspace.com/fatalformality - good good friends of ours that played our show last weekend. They love Jesus. A lot.

Circleslide - www.myspace.com/circleslide - www.circleslide.net - amazing, amazing men after God's own heart.

These are two bands I've gotten a chance to get to know well that live to make Christ famous and change the world for His glory!! If you read my blog thing regularly, these names are not new to you. So go check them out! Support these musical missionaries of today!! Buy they're music! iTunes... or... wherever else YOU buy your music.

God is bigger. He is active. The Gospel is alive. Do you see it!?

And i think it's really cool that my keyboard can type this symbol: € (euro)

Beautiful.

2008-10-23T14:38:00.000-07:00

What a beautiful change in weather occurred in the last 24 hours!! :-) Even though I've spent the last 6 or 7 hours studying my head off for an exam I have in less than an hour, I am so happy to be alive! It's a joy that I can even sit here and actually study. I love feeling productive.

I also enjoy conversations that make me reflect and think deeper than I usually do about my existence and what I'm doing with myself. Father has done incredible things recently and I must remember where my heart is in Him, and that no matter what I do, He remains constant for the sake of Himself and He still loves me. Things I learned in Germany still return to me...
Obedience over Activity
It's not about what you do.. it's about whose you are.
There is nothing I can do to make Him love me more or less.
Prayer is the ministry.
Immediate obedience.

All of these concepts or small phrases carry a TON of baggage with them that have changed my life forever. It is wonderful when I see it carrying itself out in my daily life TODAY!

I'm excited to start reading scripture on a regular basis with the Diehards. I'm excited about hanging out with the Fatal Formality guys. I'm excited about seeing the Wedding Saturday. I'm excited about the new people that are coming into my life. I'm excited that I share similar passions and dream with these new friends. I'm excited that two people this week have asked us to do shows for them. !?! I'm excited that I have a test in the next hour and I feel prepared for it! I'm excited that today's Susan's birthday and we get to celebrate it tonight!! I'm excited that I am my Father's.

2008-10-21T06:51:00.000-07:00

Here I am at my laptop, listening to Circleslide and sipping on McDonald's coffee, gettin' ready to either straighten my hair or study. Not sure I wanna do either of those but at some point I have to stop switching back and forth between Facebook and MySpace.

Today and Thursday I have tests in my Government class. Yes. Tests. Multiple ones in one week. Over the same thing. Retarded, yes?

Anyway, I don't have much to say today. I hope I don't get distracted in my studying attempts. I'll be at the Office tonight after 7pm.

Rock n Relief - Thank You's

2008-10-20T00:30:00.000-07:00

I have gotten a total of 7 or 8 hours in the last three days and it is unbelievable that I'm laying in bed wide awake unable to sleep on my night of rest.

The most amazing things happened in the last 36 hours. We, the Dallas Diehards, put on Rock 'n Relief in McKinney on Saturday night with Mark Durham, Outside the Camp, Beyond Riches, Gina Tarajano, Fatal Formality, and Circleslide. The evening was an absolute success. Beyond building and deepening relationships with the artists, God did an incredible work that I cannot describe. I do not have words to describe what happened Saturday night. All I know is that my life is different because of the last 36 hours. I am a changed person.

The hearts of those who came Saturday night, whether performers or spectators, amaze me and challenge and inspire me to dream bigger, live louder, and never look back! Look into the depths of my heart and discover the passions God's given me and pursue them for HIS glory! Fatal Formality is one of the bands that has made me look within and run with what I've got; to start a riot for the Kingdom that is covered by the blood of Jesus. Gina Tarajano's faith in some college kids pushed me to continue walking blindfolded in absolute faith. Outside the Camp, Beyond Riches, Mark.. they saw something and jumped to be a part of it - there is ministry, God's ancient work, existing everywhere! Get involved - where will you jump in?

And Circleslide, oh Circleslide... I could never thank Debbie & the Guys enough for coming to Dallas to play my first show ever and treating it with the worth and value of a precious jewel. These guys reminded me of God's beauty in everything, and inspired me to continue walking on waves in these uncommon days filled with abounding grace! I loved hanging out in Waco with them tonight.

PowerFM - For freely coming out to be a part of the benefit and trusting that it wouldn't be a disaster. And for announcing it on the air, and Rachel Skinner, for talking about the show today and about how the Diehards get to be part of God's work in such a creative way.

All who came out for believing in us, for your faith, and for your giving, for your support in ways we could never have imagined or even thought to ask for.

Diehards - in Nashville, Minneapolis, and my D-squared & Jessie Holley - I would've died without you. Thank you for everything, for putting up with me, for your ideas, for your correction, for your guidance and advice. Hands & Feet, thank you for letting us be a part of the rebuilding.

Grasshopper. Need I say more? You are probably reading my mind right now. You are amazing!!!

The Wonderful Parents of the Diehards, including my very own. Thank you for birthing us and supporting and being proud of our crazy dreams that most kids our age don't have or pursue. We really would not be here without you. Really. Love you all!

Jesus. Christ. Father. Glorious Redeemer. Abba! Not to us. My hands are clean. YOU did it all. You gave me breath and life and everything and it is by you and for you that my heart beats. TO YOUR NAME BE THE GLORY!!!

Endure the Pain...

2008-10-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

There are many things I enjoy, and then there are those things that make my insides explode and want to scream because it is so amazing.

Some might say I enjoy life too much. Some might say my days are too good to be true.

Sometimes I think about it. And it's true.

I do.

I feel like every day is a canvas that I get to paint. A ballroom I get to dance in. A stage I get to sing into.
Every day there is a motion of beauty I get to be.

And I feel like every day is a letter from God.
And I feel like every breeze and every blade of grass, every cloud and every flower is a thousand "I love you's."
And I feel the all-encompassing blue sky embracing me and taking me into Himself.
I feel Him holding me with the warmth of the sun.
I feel Him kissing me with each drop of rain!
I smell His closeness in the air.

I don't even understand this. These are the words that will get me closest to describing God and I.

...

There is a song by This Beautiful Republic that I love called "Pain".
When I listen to it, I hear Jesus singing it to me... He is saying...

Dear Damaris,

We are here together. It's been so long. I've waited forever for this time to come. And I won't leave you alone tonight. You're my heart moving life inside.

We won't fall again. If you would let me lead, we'll fall in love. If you would hold to me, never let go, endure the pain to find no pain at all.

Forget all the records, previous lovers. Look into my eyes to dissolve the others. And I know where you have laid tonight, and I'm just one step away tonight.

We won't fall again. If you would let me lead, we'll fall in love. If you would hold to me, never let go, endure the pain to find no pain at all.

Say that you need me, and I can give you everything your heart's been craving. Cause once I've held your hand I cannot stand to see it waving good-bye. Please don't go! Stay with me! Just STAY with ME!

Love,
Jesus.

This is What the Anberlin Show inspired me to Write...

2008-10-05T00:06:00.000-07:00

The crowd shifts forward, a thousand feet inching towards the center of the stage. The air thickens, the heat rises, the first drop of sweat trickles down the back of your neck in anticipation as the room is overcome by darkness and you can't see the head in front of you. Seconds that feel like hours pass and there it is - the black is sliced by a thin ray of light in unison with the first strum of a string. The sound is left suspended in the atmosphere and you hear it, you feel it, you become it. As it lingers lightly fading, it is followed by a deeper sound, a sort of explosion, and gold and red floods the room with an overwhelming measure! Your limbs raise to the air to be a part of the rhythm, to join in dance. Your heart pounds with the beat of the drums; you feel it in your neck, and sound escapes from your mouth, but it comes from deeper, it comes from your throat, your chest! You shout with the force pushed by your whole body. What may seem a cacophony is a delight, a song, a dance to your soul! And it all blurs - the sound becomes light and the light becomes sound, and your voice is the voice of the crowd, and the voice of the crowd is the song which presses through your chest! With strikes of lime green, silk blue, fire red, burning yellow, you thrust your body into the sound! You sing with the Voice that sings over you, the song becomes your own, and you know it better than anyone in the room. And you stop and listen, and the Voice stops singing, but the instruments continue to mingle with the lights now soft hues of purple and blue, and like a faithful choir of hundreds following an invisible conductor, a perfect wave of many voices overcomes the air with words that are more than words but an anthem from each heart. And the voices, reaching each note flawlessly, gracefully follow the pattern of sound until it slowly begins to fade, until it retreats back into the darkness from which it crept, until it leaves the room in utter blackness once more.

...yearnings...

2008-10-02T13:05:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about a lot of things today. I don't know if it's the change in climate that creates these stirrings in me, but there's something. I'm thinking about my pride, my desires to change the world, my passions; I'm thinking about how I wish I could tear my sinful nature apart and stop being so evil, and use my existence to reflect the Creator that is greater than me. I want to be a mirror of grace, rather than of death. I want to be a reflection of Beauty that surpasses my flesh or anything earthly. I want to be a vessel that releases life and breath and truth with each cracked curve. I want light to echo out of my being with each move I make, with each step. More than anything, I want to be free of this human body that restrains my spirit from being what it was meant to be.

I'm just thinking...

..simple days..

2008-09-30T11:22:00.000-07:00

I have a friend named Lindsay who takes awesome pictures.Isn't that lovely?

This morning I woke up to the sound of my lovely Grasshopper's voice. I decided I'd get up early today in order to make the most out of this beautiful Tuesday! Then Jessie called me and told me a kid in her neighborhood got killed at around midnight. Then I tried to convince Jacob and Dustin that today is the day that the Lord has made, and I told them to recoice and be glad in it. And then I received a delightful visit by Shafer, Justin, and Christine. And I ate sushi for lunch. And we made the boys feel awkward. It was fun.

Look. This is Grasshopper with her Moo Milk.

She loves her Moo Milk.
She gets it everytime we go to the office.

I love our office.

Oh the Fun!

2008-09-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

Show number two of this week was amazing in spite of the fact that I only made it for the last song of Fatal Formality's show. That's okay. It is my favorite song. After the show, the guys and the Diehards went out to eat and had an amazing time. It was definitely a breath of fresh air to kick it with guys that were absolutely chill, Jesus-Loving, gentlemen, and rocking all at the same time. We definitely had a blast. My favorite were the rampant insults followed by the gentle statement: "We're friends!" So it is official. Fatal Formality and The Dallas Diehards are Best Friends For Freaken Ever. Love it.

Latest developments on Rock N Relief.

Today I got to speak in front of a class at UTD about the event and HAF. Totally killer.
Flyering has been fun. Places hit thus far: Deep Ellum, that one Frisco church youth group, I've got my RED boys dieharding phase 8 on campus. Tomorrow Club Smack, Friday Theater7.
Sponsorship is beginning to come in. Oh Yes!!
Cool behind-the-scene stuff going on too!

Can't wait to see everyone at the show! On October 18th. Cornerstone Worship Center. McKinney, TX. Thanks to all those who believe in this and who support in either word or deed - both are equally potent! God is dang good, man!

Well, pretties, keep it pretty.

Dreams Come True...

2008-09-18T22:59:00.001-07:00

It was only a few weeks ago when all of this Diehard madness started again in my life. Going to shows every weekend, writing cards, baking cookies, meeting new people to do this whacked-out-crazy-Jesus-loving ministry. Who new how far it could go when we really started runnin'?

Grasshopper, Lindsay, Susan and I started rollin' this log a couple weeks ago, and this could not have been done without them. We've put on a benefit show for the Hands & Feet Project. Do I see the worlds of music and missions colliding? Oh yes.. I do.

Rock N Relief:Dallas will be on October 18th, 2008 at the Cornerstone Worship Center in McKinney, TX. We'll have Gina Tarajano, Fatal Formality, Circleslide, and many more come play. I can't believe this is all falling into place. This is beautiful..

Thank you Jesus. Praise and Glory be to You.

How?

2008-09-15T23:06:00.000-07:00

The top of my cheekbones sting with the salt of my tears slicing through the cracks of my tissue-worn skin. I quit even patting my face dry because it hurt to touch it because of all the tears I've had to dry away. So here I lie letting the pain nestle and become well-acquainted with yet another skin-layer.

How can one human being make another feel so worthless, so inadequate, so stupid?

I know in my head that my worth is not found in a boy, not in possessions, not even in who I am, but in whose I am. I know Christ is the glory of the broken vessel I am. I know He loves me, and He is enough, Even my heart has learned to cling to Him and believe that fully.

It is in the darkness of the night, however, that the thoughts return to me. The experiences that brought so much pain and left me more alone than I could describe. And I refused to tell anyone because that same worthlessness led me to believe no one else cared. When trying to share a little bit, I felt that it was confirmed that my misery was not legit. So I hid it. I tried more than anything to be okay.

Sometimes, even, in the brightest day, one event can occur that knocks me down and makes me relive the anguish I underwent. It is like a cancer in my heart that won't go away, and I can't seem to escape. The day I am surrounded by people, I can feel the most solitude. Am I worthless?

How can one person make another feel so worthless?

The questions never end in the back of my mind. They continue to invade no matter how many times I try to put them away. Why? How? A year has passed and here I lie, can't seem to get away. I thought my life was free at alast, but I keep discovering more chains. One labeled anguish, another despair; it's not easy to find Christ there. And alone at night, I weep some more, desperate for assurance that He indeed is my worth; assurance that He is my savior; that He is the Lover of my soul; that He is here; that He is holding me.

How can a guy make me feel so worthless?

Is there a way to make this end? Is there a point in which closure is attained? Is there a point of no return? I'd willingly never look back. No one should have to walk through what I did. No one should feel how I felt, and currently feel.

I thought I was done. But I guess I'm not.

I thought it was over. But I guess it's not.

God, help me. Grant me sleep though I am not entitled to it, and assure me that my Worth is found in You.

can't sleeeeeeeeeeep...

2008-09-01T21:43:00.000-07:00

I'm laying on my bed with my thoughts going a million miles an hour and I can't make it stop. I tried reading some more Huck Finn but I couldn't put my mind at ease. Nothing terribly bad is going on that I should be worrying about - it's more eager excitement and expectation than anything else. I am waiting for an email. And of course, being that it's 11:45pm, that email won't come until tomorrow at the earliest. And not "tomorrow" as in 15 minutes from now. More like. "tomorrow" as in noon or later.

I'm going to put away my computer now and try closing my eyes again. Maybe this time I'll be at ease....

night.

Too Much to Stop

2008-08-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

I don't even remember what was the last thing I wrote about but a lot of amazing things have happened and the Dallas Diehards continue to progress and plan and as Group 1 Crew would say, "We've been given too much to stop!"

School has started. I love my classes. I didn't have classes today though. However, I did experience Day 1 at my new job at a Hallmark Store. I work with some of the sweetest ladies. Also, Hallmark has many possible gift ideas for Diehard Care Packages. And, yes, I definitely intend on all our future packages to be amazing... just because I work there now.

This afternoon I had a meeting with Grasshopper about Dieharding and future events, promotions, etc. I honestly can't believe how much this is growing and moving forward. We started out as silly music-loving young girls from Belton .. and now .. now things are different. Things are exciting. Things are moving.

We're putting on our first mission trip this December to Mexico. If you wanna go, let me know...

I'm so exhausted....

Current Events

2008-08-23T21:23:00.000-07:00

Tonight is the first night I spend in my new home in Garland with my friend Lara's Family - the Johnsons.

So I sit here on my new bed and look around the room unbelieving that this night has finally come.

My time at the 506 is over. This is new. And here I come, new adventure!

Life in the Diehard world has been amazing. The missional aspect of it is growing. Our contacts are increasing. Service opportunities are unveiling themselves.

Things to check out...

Bands I love now...
Deas Vail - pretty much the most graceful band I've ever heard. They're a 5-piece band from Arkansas. Popular songs are "Shoreline" and "Anything You Say" with a new EP on the way coming out in September.
Capital Lights - I've told you a little about these guys. We worked merch for them Thursday again, and they're still super fun and we still love them!

The Venue:
Theater7 has basically adopted the Diehards and we are now teaming up with them in Promotions. It's located off 75 and Park/Enterprise in Plano, TX. Seriously, check THEM out!!

Okay - much LOVE!

Deuces.

Sprinkle.....

2008-08-19T09:47:00.000-07:00

I am absolutely loving the rainy weather! Kara drove me to Corner Bakery where I am enjoying a latte and Word this morning. In the last few days I've struggled a lot with lame-ness. I have been quite immobile and out of control and it is FRUSTRATING! God is basically putting me on stand-still right before the semester starts. I think He's reminding me that He still has got a hold on me. Okay God. I get it. (Yeah, right.)

I try.

It is amazing the things He is opening my eyes to in the last couple weeks, from me losing my apartment to quitting my job to bringing old friends back from the foreign lands! He is reminding me why my heart beats, why I am alive, why I breathe! He is taking me through an amazing roller coaster that is destroying the safe comfortable shell I built around me in the last year and bringing me back to real life. Life is not about me. Life is not about gaining. Life is not about success. It's about Christ. It's about the Kingdom. It's about seeking the Kingdom before all things.

John 6, Jesus stands before thousands saying "I am the bread that came down from heaven. Whoever takes this bread shall have eternal life." And while many wondered in disgust why Jesus was asking them to eat Him, some knew and understood that what He meant was choose ME! I satisfy, I provide, I am life - not anything else that you could possibly choose that will feed for a while then lose its glamour. Choose me! But only those whom the Father draws would understand.

So that's what He is saying to me - "Choose ME, Damaris. Today, choose ME to give you life."

I am about to get picked up by friends and we are going to have lunch and say bye to a friend.

I love this rainy weather...

Life is FULL of Unexpected Adventures!

2008-08-16T14:57:00.000-07:00

I drove to Belton Friday evening after work to see my mom and dad and Jefte. Well, I got my very cute laptop, and it makes me super happy! I got to visit with some people from my parents' church and see my little brother at his new job at the coffee shop. We came home and chilled and had some good family time.

This morning we all went to a revival at their church. The men and women split. We went to another building and had some sweet word. When we were walking out, mom and I were ahead of everyone and I stepped on something that seemed to have popped through my shoe and gone into my foot. Oddly, I didn't feel any pain until I tried to remove my shoe, but realized... it wouldn't move. I hopped to the edge of a step and sat down. Sure enough, my shoe was NAILED to my foot!!! Ouch? It was pretty crazy.

They put me on an ambulance with my nailed foot and took me to the hospital and yanked the nail out of my foot after a few hours.. When my brother saw what had happened we had this dialogue:
Jefte - "Did a nail go into your foot??"
Me - "Yes! Haha!"
Jefte - "Then why are you laughing?!"
Me - "Because I don't know what else to do!"

It was pretty hilarious.

Okay.

I'm tired of writing and I have a 1-inch ditch in my foot. Okay. Bye.

We live, We love

2008-08-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

Today marks the end of a season for me. The end of a strange and isolated year. It is my last day here at this job I've had for a year. And it is the end of summer. School starts next week. Hopefully I'll have a new job by the end of this week. I'll be living in a different place by the end of next week. I will be living with different people soon. Life will be so different. My world as I know it will come to an end and transform into what I am perceiving to be a beautiful butterfly.

I'm going to Belton this evening. I'm going to see my parents, have dinner with them, and enjoy fellowship with other Believers they know. I'm seeing my little brother who's also started a new stage in his life. By the way, I have the most amazing little brother in the world. And I can't help but be so excited about receiving my brand-new laptop! I'm looking forward to this evening so much because of that, it's almost sinful.

Grasshopper and I went on our first Diehard venture since she's been back from Japan last night. We worked merch for a new favorite band "Capital Lights". We were really there to ask Mark Stuart if we could go to Haiti with him. But we missed him. Bummer. But we had an incredible time selling merch and hanging out with the band. Hooray!

Ok. Short update. I know. Tschuss.

Quick Update

2008-08-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

In the last two weeks life has pretty much turned upside-down as in I'm quitting my job and losing the "home" we had at the 506. So I'm a homeless bum. Literally. It's all okay though. I definitely sense God working in all of this - as he always does. Everything is for the good of those who love Him whom are called according to His purpose.

As life has turned upside-down, however, many good things have happened. My beautiful friend Lara has returned to America from over a year in Deutschland, and it has made me oh so happy to see her and spend time with her and her family. Also, my parents have informed me that they've got me a laptop, and after half a year without such trinket, I'm so ecstatic to receive my gift. Which in the end, they'll probably make me pay for. But that's okay. Unless I remain jobless. Today, Grasshopper comes home. Yes. Grasshopper - the sunshine of my life - returns to America from oh so distant Tokyo. I'm so excited to hear her stories and see how her life's changed and how God has revealed more of His mysteries to her! Today is cloudy and I love cloudy days and I hope it rains. Also, I discovered that I made my daddy proud last weekend when he found something from my childhood that I'd hid from the world and I made him so proud! Alison and I make up super crazy games as we're settling in for the night every evening that involve rhyming words and singing songs. I'm going to miss rooming with her. There is a guy that works next door to our office that hits on me, and it's funny.

Those are all happy things. Also, today I realized I've read three books for fun in the last month and I hadn't done that ever. Now I can't help but read. I love reading a book as I'm tucked in bed. I love reading in the slow times of the day. The imagination of authors amazes me. I've read so far... "And the Shofar Blew" and "The Atonement Child" by Francine Rivers and "The Giver" by Lois Lowry. I love reading. Last night I read the first chapter of Mark Twain's "Huckleberry Finn". I'm going to keep reading now.

Love,
Me.

Polychromatic Combustion

2008-07-11T07:10:00.000-07:00

It is at my delight to say my trip to Nashville indeed stirred my affections for my Creator in so many ways I cannot count. Swelsh, Luna, and I left for the city from Dallas at precisely 8:12 pm on Wednesday July 2nd, sunroof open, windows down, and country music playing. Actually... the one country song we listened to as we left Dallas (besides "Sweet Home Alabama") was "Cold Day in July" by the Dixie Chicks, which is actually quite a depressing song, and the only thing that applied to us was that our bags WERE packed... just... not due to a massive break-up, rather an incredible adventure.

We drove through Arkansas, which was a rather extensive drive and over the Mississippi River on the bridge that smells like French Fries. Odd. The sky began to lightly illuminate about an hour and a half outside Nashville, and at 6:45 we entered Music City and collapsed on anything that looked welcoming at Jessie's apartment. We slept somewhere between three to five hours before we decided to hit the street.

On 3rd and Broadway, Billy Joe's Tattoo Parlor waited for us - or Swelsh, mainly - where she sat for about two and a half hours getting a glamorous and exquisite image on her shoulder representing the Saving Grace of God. It was beautiful...

It was definitely fun to see and hang out with the Boys again - Little Brandon was sweet and gave me a really big hug. Hugs are great.

My favorite part of the whole trip, however, was our little adventure on the Pedestrian Bridge the runs over the Cumberland River on the night of the 4th. Half of the bridge was blocked by police because one side was the fall out section for the fireworks. The crowd had been told that the gate would lock at 8:45. By 8:30, however, the gates were closed and locks went on, as hundreds of pedestrians made their way towards the gate thinking it would be open. When they weren't let across to get to their vehicles (cause a lot of folks weren't actually going to stay for the fireworks show), a rush of anger ran across the thousands that we happened to be standing in the midst of. For us, of course, it was quite entertaining, to see and here the frustration and off-the-wall angry comments from the mob.

In the core of the thousands, as folks rubbed shoulders and tried to keep their belongings to themselves, in the shouts and the grumblings, my mind flashed to a time I've not lived or seen. In the time the crowds of thousands tripped over each other and smothered the earth with their feet to follow Jesus Christ. It was so vivid to me, and I even thought of the crowds in the book of Acts that the disciples would preach to. Or the crowds that stoned some of the Martyrs of the faith.

The Fireworks began to go off around 9:15pm; the sky filled with every imaginable color in dozens of shapes and sizes exploding above our heads. In those moments of polychromatic combustion, my soul leapt to the ceiling of excitement - I looked at the lights and I felt the pounding of the explosions and I heard the screaming of the missiles and I only wish I could be more excited about this awe-striking moment. It's as if I knew I could fly, I just didn't know how. And that kept my feet on the ground.

It was delightful to get caught in the rain in traffic and see old friends and new friends. Nashville was sweet. It was good. As it always has been. Unfortunately, we didn't get the chance to see the wonderful Lee Family. (They're not Asian.)

Each time I return from Nashville, I feel refreshed and excited about my Jesus. I'm inspired by the city and it's people to live life rather than struggle for survival - as Nevertheless would say it "live like we're alive."

Since I've been back from Music City, Father has been showering me with reminders of His Glory. He's been whispering the Gospel in my ear as I fall asleep, and giving me eyes to see each day's newness and mercies. The bicycle rides have been my time of prayer where I thank Him and ask Him to help me breathe in a way that honors Him, speak in a way that makes Him known, see in a way that shows His love, and love in a way so filled with Grace. I'm falling deeper in love with Christ and I find myself begging Him to keep my heart close to His. I'm grateful for my roommates who love me and I love in return - for their sweet, gentle spirits and forgiving way of life. My prayer is that we continue to live in a way that takes our eyes of ourselves and fixes our sight on Jesus. It's the hardest thing in the world... that dying to self thing.

But it gives me more of Jesus.

The world seems new when taking it in differently...

2008-07-02T11:32:00.001-07:00

I did it. I rode the 2.5 miles from the 506 at 6:55 a.m. down Meandering Way to Arapaho and Coit, jumped on a bus with my bike and enjoyed the strangers I chatted with on our way to Arapaho Center Station. A man made a friendly comment about how the bike was as big as me. Once at the station, I nearly missed the train that impatiently rang for me to climb aboard a car full of straight-faced passengers. A middle-aged, hair-graying man in glasses sitting smiled welcomely at me. I stood in the back next to a door balancing with my bike as the train rode down do the station at Spring Valley. I jumped off with my bicycle, found a way down to the ground and pedaled my way to work. Got in at 7:50 and began to cool off and change into my work clothes before too many folks started to arrive. Put a fresh pot of coffee to brew and started a good day.

What an adventure!

This evening, however, I will embark on an even greater adventure with Swelsh taking me cross-country for a few days to the addictive city of Nashville, Tennessee! Only a few hours before I head home to finish packing and to the store to gather some groceries for the 8 hour drive and the holiday in Music City with good friends!

Destination Nashville - Here I come!
Things Planned:
Piercing Party
Journey Ecclessia 4th of July Picnic
Swelsh's Tat
Lots of time well-spent at Billy-Joe's
And of course
Massive quality time w/ the Diehards

That's it thus far! I definitely can't wait to see my wonderful Jessie! And hopefully we have a place to sleep when we get there at a potential 3 or 4 in the morning. Yay!

Deeper thoughts later, yes?

2008-06-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday evening, and I'm sitting on our couch after a long tedious day of room-exchange. It sucked. But I like our new rooming situation - it's different and refreshing and Alison and I get the balcony now... it'll be a year before we switch rooms again. Needless to say, I'm exhausted and don't feel like moving.... ever.

Celebrate Freedom was alright - Kara and Trousey and I jammed out to a good session of Sanctus Real, Stellar Kart and David Crowder while Jefte went off to play with his Belton buds. I met and talked to the Dizmas boys and how delighted I was that they remembered me from the many times I offered them peanut butter & jelly sandwiches at the Hip Hop on the Roof Top showcase during GMA week. Unfortunately, I missed This Beautiful Republic's portion of the show which I was so looking forward to.

The most exciting part about this weekend, however, was meeting our Houston Diehards - Robin and her girls - who are all freaken amazing!! On Saturday night we went to the Village together and spent an incredible night of worship, listening to a powerful sermon, and watching victorious baptisms and went out to dinner afterwards.

I am presently very distracted by Kelsey's facebook chat with me, the smell of pizza, and the knowledge that Jessie's about to call so deuces.

Amazing is Grace

2008-06-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

I realize I'm broken. I have admitted and to this day I confess that I am indeed depraved, as all humanity, and I could even stand with Paul and say I'm the chief of sinners.

It is, however, one thing to know it intuitively, and another thing to see the magnitude of my sin. This is what it's like: I can say I'm ugly all day long, but it isn't till I look in the mirror that I see how ugly I am. Then it hurts, so I look away from the mirror and assure myself that I'm OK. I'm ugly, but I'm OK. (I actually don't think I'm ugly - please don't concern yourself for me on that matter.)

As a matter of fact, in his letter, James describes it that very way when contrasting those that are hearers and doers of the Word.

22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. (James 1)

Notice how James says "his natural face" pointing out that our natural state is depravity. My natural state is depravity. Naturally, I look like sin. But what exactly does that look like?

The sermon Saturday night was an IN-YOUR-FACE mirror. Patterson started talking about the Old Man and the New Man and the transformation that is supposed to occur when one walks with Christ. It's this thing called Progressive Sanctification. Big word. Learn it. Basically what it means is that in one's walk with Christ, one is going to be formed to look more and more like Christ. (Not physically, unless your middle-eastern and really want to, rather spiritually in the way one lives life.) This is possible one of the most painful things to undergo, because letting the desires of the flesh go isn't the easiest thing in the world.

Patterson said, (i paraphrase), i know that we want to avoid a list of do's and don't's as Christians today, but it's not that I'm giving you a To Do list... Paul's giving you a To Do List. And here it is:

25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4)

Now let's take it verse by verse as I unload how this passage speaks to my soul. I don't have a huge problem with lying so much as being honest. I'm learning to live my life within my community, and with those close to me, in a way that's honest and even vulnerable. It is MISERABLE sometimes to reveal whats going on inside of me, but freeing in the end. Next comes the verse that literally STABBED ME IN THE EYE concerning anger and bitterness. For the last 10 months, I have been holding on tightly to a beautiful bitterness which I buttered up with excuses, giving myself permission to hold on to this because of how I was hurt. How many times have I let the sun set on my anger? How many restless nights have I endured in this rage? How many claims have I made for my own well-being and personal happiness? How selfish have I been to refuse to humble myself and remain wrapped in this awful bitterness! And as my hardened heart has festered how much opportunity have I given the devil....

I cried. A lot. So I was wronged. That is not worth holding onto for 10 months and putting the kingdom aside. So now I have to learn to be selfless. Now I must remind myself to not let the sun set on my anger. I must be careful when it comes to my rage because it is by far one of the easiest and simplest ways to let me fall. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be FAR from me - let me be kind to all, tenderhearted, forgiving, as God in Christ forgave me.

How quick am I to forget how God in Christ forgave me... This is the point in which I praise Him for His Grace... His Grace is indeed amazing. I am indeed a wretch. It's hard to accept grace when I know how awful I am... but this is when I must remember it's not about me but about Christ and the Father's glory. I couldn't live a day without His Grace.

My First Bike Ride

2008-06-20T09:44:00.000-07:00

I went on my first real bike ride last night. It was incredible, but I'm not gonna lie, my bum's really sore and it's hard to sit today. While Jehu and Jacob grilled some chicken, Kara, Chelsa, and I took our bikes (one of which we stole from the 401 so Chelsa could ride) and went on an adventure. I wasn't sure how much stamina I had for how long of a ride I could take. We made it all the way to Beltline when I realized, if we go any further I won't make it back. I'm very proud of myself, however, that we did make it to Beltline and then back to our apartments.

That was the most fun exercise I've done in a while! I enjoyed it very much. At some point today, Kara and I intend on trying to make it to Spring Valley. We are training me to build the muscle and stamina to get me all the way to work on a bike. I seriously want to cut out my car from coming to work. :-) I'm very excited.

And now I'm sitting at my desk at work; everyone in the building has left for lunch and I've chosen to stay and enjoy my Noodles...
k - tschuss!

My New Cycling Life

2008-06-19T14:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday evening was excellent. With the high gas prices and all, you know I have considered getting a bike for some travel. I finally set my mind to it and just did it.

Kara and I decided we'd walk out to Target and get me one. She took her bike along-side. We happened to be right in front of a bus stop as the bus rolled in. How convenient for us. We jumped in and I got to experience my first bus ride in America. All we had to do was show our UTD public transit passes and ride! We hopped out in front of the Target and in we went and got me a beautiful two-wheeled contraption. We happily rode back to the apartment enjoying the breeze and lack of need for petrol.

This is what it looks like:
(i think)

My plan for the moment is to only use my vehicle for work and church-related purposes when needed. For other occasions, however, I intend to use my bike - whether it's meeting someone at a nearby restaurant or getting small groceries. I am excited about using it regularly and and training on it. Once I build the stamina, I intend to ride it to work (about 12 miles round-trip), leaving home early in the morning. The ride home will be the hardest cause of the heat - which I don't mind. It'll be an adventure. I'm excited my life is changing this way.

dreams...

2008-06-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

I really am a girl full of dreams. I'm not ashamed to admit it because there hasn't been a dream yet that hasn't been fulfilled. For this summer, my dream was to pick up an instrument, and I'm already learning the keyboard. I found a very helpful site that's helping me do this. Chelsa got her keyboard from her house and brought it to our apartment. Thanks to these two things I'm able to do this.

This week was also the start of an exciting project called Open Hands that will contribute to my dad's Border and beyond ministry that supports two mission-churches in the slums of Nuevo Laredo. Open Hands is a call to all of us that have been blessed to give to ministries such as Border and Beyond and many more. The Diehards have answered this call and it is an amazing thing to see how far people are willing to go.

I'm a dreamer... whose dreams come true.
<3

I am getting a bike.

2008-06-08T11:01:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK — Drivers are paying an average of $4 for a gallon of gasoline for the first time.

AAA and the Oil Price Information Service say the national average price for a gallon of regular gas rose to $4.005 overnight from $3.988. But consumers in many parts of the country have already been paying well above that price for some time.

Gas is expected to keep climbing, putting greater pressure on consumers and businesses, because the price of oil is soaring in futures markets. Light, sweet crude shot up nearly $11 a barrel Friday and approached $140 for the first time.

Along with higher fuel costs, consumers are also contending with higher prices for food and other goods because of rising transportation costs.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,364349,00.html

So yes, this is all a little bit shocking though very expected. It's strange. You know it will happen. You've surrendered to the fact. But once you actually see it, you're like, "Really?" Or maybe that's just me. Yes, it's probably just me.

How is this going to change our lives? How will this change our lifestyles? Or will it? Eventually it will. How will it change the way I live? How will this affect my job? How will this affect what I buy and what I need? I might not need fruit as much as I think I do now in a month or two? I might not need new clothes as much as I think I do now. I might not need trinkets and toys.

I wonder what kind of fears and thoughts this instills in the general public. Maybe this is good. Maybe this will increase our physical activity and our community atmoshpere. No one will want to drive long distances so you stick close to home for the basic needs. You go to your neighborhood starbucks, wal-mart, you eventually will see the same people. And instead of driving, you get bikes. So your neighborhoods will be safer because there will be less cars on the road and you'll see your neighbors as you cycle to the store to get tomatoes. Hmm... this may not be so bad after all. I am getting a bike.

moving forward..

2008-06-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

So life is constantly changing. It seems like Father never lets his children who seek to be obedient get too comfortable with one place or position or people. This week in the 506 one of the original roommates surprised us with a sudden decision to move out of our home. As shocking and unbelievable as it is, the lives of those left behind must continue moving forward in obedience. One thing that is hard is that when people in our lives go, we must continue.

That is it. When things disappear, we have to keep our eyes on what we do have rather than what we lost. So I look at my hands and I am grateful for them, and I look at my feet and I'm glad I still walk, and I look at the family I do have, and I love them more than ever. We keep moving forward.

I just hit my elbow against my desk. Ouch.

I will be going back to Nashville soon. I will drive up there with my lovely friends Sarah W and Alison on July 3rd. I cannot express to you how much I love that city. It is a fun escape and perhaps a future long-term adventure. Actually, I've pretty much resigned to the fact that in future years I might just have to own that piece of land. ;-)

I don't know. God calls me. I go.

See, I have all these dreams. I'm going to take care of all of them.
All for God's glory.

Music in My Life

2008-05-23T12:39:00.001-07:00

Growing up with music by Carman, Steven Curtis Chapman, Petra, and dc Talk is one of my favorite things about my childhood. At the time, it was safe music. Safe, protective lyrics that offered my very conservative parents security for their children’s ears and minds. As time progressed, new artists were introduced: Point of Grace in 1990; Michael W. Smith in ’92; I wanted to be just like Jaci Velasquez in 1994; “Butterfly Kisses” became Bob Carlisle’s big hit in ’97, the same year Rich Mullins was killed in a vehicle accident. I fell in love with the sounds of Relient K through high school and was moved by the motivating lyrics of Superchick. Upon my high school graduation, I became a Toby Mac Diehard. Other booming artists I was introduced to were Hawk Nelson, the Afters, and Family Force Five.

This week I came across the 10^th Anniversary Edition of dc Talk’s Jesus Freak and purchased it. On the page behind the album cover was a short biography of the life of the band and this album. The biography explains how the band increased in popularity rapidly right before bombing the world with this bold and powerful. And how brutally honest these lyrics are! I put the CD in the player this morning on my way to work and listened to the words that portray the weaknesses of humanity and the desperate need for a Savior.

These words that protected me through my younger years were, a decade later, pushing me to the edge of hardcore Christian spirituality, challenging me to put pride aside, to not hide behind the soft image of a mere church-attender, and vulnerably carry the cross that will bring it’s “share of splinters.” These old lines – often forgotten lines! – were convicting me about my current spiritual state today in 2008! “Kamikaze, my death is gain. I’ve been marked by my Maker – a peculiar display. The high and lofty – they see me as weak cause I won’t live and die for the power they seek!” The words pierce my heart as Kevin’s deep voice paints a picture of a present-day Paul pushing towards the promise we have in Christ. And I ask, am I living this?

The challenge to “see the beauty in the tones of our skin” presents itself in “Colored People”, acknowledging the brokenness of mankind, our dependency on God’s grace, and praising Him for his creative artistry. After feeling the sting of racism within and without the body of believers, this song is a warm comforting embrace and an encouragement to worship our Maker by loving the diversity He designed us to be. This song calls for forgiveness for the hurt that has been caused by and to entire nations in ignorance. It calls for a love and peace that can only come from Christ.

Confronting the root of everything we do, “What If I Stumble” sings gently to us with daring interrogations, “Is this one for the people? Is this one for the Lord? Or do I simply serenade for things I must afford?” This simple test arouses yet another series of questions in my mind demanding explanations for every action I take. Who am I performing for in this stage we call life? Who is my true love? Do I live to please my peers or serve myself? Or do I die to it all and live for the glory of Christ?

It’s so easy to be “protected” by lyrics written by Christian artists, and to forget that there might be a deeper meaning if we listen closely. The truth is that while one might seem to be “courting fame” that Holiness is still calling, and the bottom line is, the name of Christ is being made famous. Listen.

iGosia

2008-05-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

I went to iGosia this weekend.

My favorite thing about iGosia is that every time I visit I see people I haven't seen, sometimes in nearly a year, but they are still friends that are kept close to my heart. I can't help but love those crazy iGosians.

I loved dressing up as a native iGosian this weekend with the loose flowing garb and a bright-colored head covering. I enjoyed singing and dancing with the Ah-meh-dee-kan people, welcoming them to our country.

Even rising early the next morning and preparing for market was fun. Once at market, I sold "bananas, apples, and french fries" to the Ah-meh-dee-kan people that were really cucumbers, tomatoes, and a potato. :-)

IGosian staff reminded us and the Ah-meh-dee-kans of certain truths. I observed Ah-meh-dee-kans struggle from an individual mindset to a team of one mind. I loved it.

And Grasshopper is off to Japan.
Don't forget to keep up with her blog:
www.korogi.blogspot.com

Change the World

2008-05-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

I've been alive long enough to start detecting patterns throughout the years and seasons. For example, I've noticed that I become OCD-istically organized in the fall when classes are about to start. In the winter I go through a kind of nostalgia and maybe even a depression. When the spring comes around I'm full of life and eager to finish the school year. As summer rolls around, however, its a different theme.

It's this time of year that I feel so free and so able to conquer and change the world. I rediscover my youth and vigor! I set goals and am determined to accomplish them. I have strong desires to be useful for the betterment of humanity and the spread of the Gospel. I fall more and more in love and passionate about life and freedom and Jesus, and I want to do something radical to change this place!

I'm rollin back with the Diehards since I went to Nashville, and it's been sweet. I want to bring back prayer among my community. I want to actively be furthering His kingdom globalocally. I want to be making Christ known. Ahh! And another thing - I'm going to cook! This summer I'm going to cook. Tonight i'm buying groceries. And during the week, I'm not eating out or getting fast food. It's pocket-draining and unhealthy. Wise choices. Travel. Adventure. Risky decisions. I just contradicted myself. Whatever, have fun!

God is Faithful

2008-05-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

Last night, my roomie-to-be Kara sat at our computer desk with eyes filled with tears and fears that ends wouldn't meet this time. She had a job interview scheduled for the following morning at 9:00am and she was scared she just wouldn't get the job. As I watched her and listened to her spill her anxiety I couldn't help but empathize yet assure her that everything would be okay. It almost sounds so absurd to tell someone who is so afraid that things would be okay, that in the end all is well.

It wasn't much longer than a year ago that I too lay in bed sobbing into my pillow, with eyes so puffed, I couldn't cover it up. The two months I was unemployed seemed eternally hopeless. No matter where I looked or who I asked, doors kept shutting on my face. Not just that, I felt terribly alone, in such a way that I can ask no one for help. And the one person I was supposed to be helping I became a cumbersome burden. Hopelessness. Rejection. I came to be well-acquainted with them.

In the midst of the twice a day cheese and bread slices, I'd be surprised with gas or grocery money and one day, even a check to cover the portion of rent that I couldn't cover. How the thought that I was in so much need crossed someone's mind enough to cause them to act on it I do not know.

One day, a girl that would soon be my roommate and one of my closest friends said something along the lines of God sustaining all things and that if He would turn away for a moment, all things would seize to exist. He's so intimate with his creation that He keeps all things to the last tiniest molecule together.

As I drove to school one day, I was again wrestling with fear and anxiety and hopelessness when I gazed up at the sky and saw a massive cloud and the thought came to me, "God is sustaining that cloud." As my eyes gathered to something closer, I saw a tree, and thought "If He looked away for just one second, that tree would seize to exist." Still my eyes moved to a street sign, and I thought, "Even that sign lies beneath God's watch." And closer my sight let me to my car, and I thought, "This thing shoulda died a long time ago, .. if it were not for God's grace." And as my eyes came to rest on my hands on the steering wheel, God made it clear to me, "I am sustaining YOU."

In the weeks that followed, an indescribable peace fell on me that I could not understand and once I gathered my spirit and began to walk in faith again, God answered prayers that had gone unanswered when I prayed them without faith. He granted me faith through the roughest moments in that time. It was indeed "in the darkness that I saw the light."

Last night I told Kara this, and we prayed together, trusting that all was well and that Father would provide and knowing that as believers everything is a win-win situation.

If we live it's by His grace and for His glory; If we die, it's by His grace we're in His glory.

This morning she got the job she wanted.

Thank you Father for your grace.

Be Near

2008-04-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

It is sweet, when for the first time in several months, one tastes the glorious riches of Christ's nearness. What is it, my spirit cried out, that makes you seem so distant? Why can't I find you? Oh but the Father promises that we will find Him when we seek Him with all our hearts. Praise Him for his grace that revealed to me my sin that I might wrestle through it and repent and beg the Father for forgiveness! In this silence, I prayed. In this darkness, I searched. By his grace, it was revealed. And by his grace, I could hear.

My jealousy. My envy. My anger. My pride. My refusal to love. My refusal to forgive. God, take it. Please bear it. I want it no more.
Please strip me of that which impedes me your love.
Please strip me of that which hold back my heart.
Stir in me desire and yearning for you.
Only you can draw me so I beg you, please do.

2008-04-09T13:21:00.001-07:00

From now on I will not tolerate racial jokes.
Whether directed at blacks or asians or hispanics.

I will not tolerate them.

"For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks." (matt. 12:34)

2008-03-11T07:37:00.000-07:00

So here am I once again, in my collared shirt, skirt and heels, with coffee between the keyboard and I ready to be poured down my throat. I have yet another opportunity to count the cars that fly by outside, or watch the leaves as they lazily lounge on the parking lot. Oh no, here come the leaf-blowers sayin, "Get outta here, lazy leaves! Nobody wants you stuck on their shoe!"

It's foggy out there today. My eyes are always tired and dry. Should I blink more?

It's spring break. What a great one...

2008-03-06T13:32:00.000-08:00

Surely the majority of humanity is like me. Whether it's a thunderstorm, snow, whatever, I simply want to be home. I really enjoy the rain. I enjoy the sound of light hail. I appreciate the small amounts of snow we get in Texas every now and then. But when it comes around, I don't want to sit properly at a desk in heels while watching this happen outside. I prefer curling up on a couch with a blanket and some hot cocoa. Okay, maybe not hot cocoa. Maybe a latte. Or just coffee with the perfect amount of creamer and the right spoonfuls of sugar. There is a thing I like about my office view. I love watching the rain as it falls and indecisively circles on the parking lot. The countless ripples created by each rain drop coexist gracefully on the cement. Some people laugh at me and might think I'm a freak for finding the romance in everything. I sometimes laugh at myself too.

As I type I hear the wind, and I'm not sure where the sound comes from or how it's created. The wind just blows outside, and dances through the trees, creating a music of its own. The cars rushing on the water making a sound that seems to be an applause to the natural world which puts our man-made world on hold.

Hope roads are safe for everyone today.

Retreat

2008-02-27T14:20:00.000-08:00

In the midst of endless activities surrounding me like a dreadful aura, I have wisely decided to take a semi-retreat at the home of my disciplers while they haven't been home. Last week, Amanda offered me that place to rest, seeing that I was barely taking the time to breathe. So Sunday after work, I picked up all I would need and drove to the seminary in east Dallas to their on-campus apartment on an upper floor with an amazing view of the Dallas skyline.

I nestled comfortably on the couch, gazing out the window, and delighting in some delectable potatoes with broccoli and cheese, praying for the Spirit to calm my nerves and enjoy the quiet. After dinner, I began to meditate on the questions Lara had suggested I meditate on. Among them, Are you too concerned with the things of Christ, and not looking full on His face? I began to make a list of all the things that consume my time, from my full-time job to my ministry as a part of the Village, and Saturday starbucks to sitting at the apartment. I discovered that every second in my life, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to the hour I try to sleep and even in my dreams, is consumed by something or someone. In recent weeks, I have even dreamed of my everyday life, I've dreamed of tasks, I've dreamed of angry things. I have had no rest, even on the days I consider my "off-days".

And to answer the question above, I have been too busy with activities that I've had no time to meditate, reflect, digest, and "look full on His face." Now, I don't say this to gripe or complain or seek pity. I say it that someone might learn from my walk (as my beautiful Leslie has claimed). I say it to warn those who say yes to everything and suddenly find yourself overwhelmed by countless obligations.

I see myself as trying to hike a mountain and I am nowhere near half-way when suddenly I look ahead and realize there's an avalanche coming my way. I'm about to be plummetted with no way out. That was my Monday. I looked at my week and saw the following.
Tuesday night, I have to be at class and at a starbucks meeting at the same time after my 9 to 5 job. I couldn't go to class.
Wednesday I work as well then need to go shopping for bridal events.
Thursday is Tara's rehearsal dinner and a midterm at the same time - I'm maid of honor, what will i do.
Friday I work and host her bachelorette party.
Saturday I have to work at starbucks and be at her wedding at the same time.

In this time of rest, I have found peace, I have discovered that I can't say no to many of the things I've gotten myself into now. And to others I simply don't wish to say no. Others, I have been called there and I must be obedient. But I must honor a time of rest, a time of retreat, a time of being alone - just Father and I.

I am not seeking to live a life of solitude. I can't afford that, and it would suck and quite-honestly, I feel like puking right now. Last night I realized that the next step is solitude with the Father. I currently don't have that - no time or place for retreat. I haven't the time to meditate and reflect. So what do I do next? How do I seek that? How do I take that? I thank the Father for the time He's allowed me to be alone with him. There are things I cannot change such as class and work. Small group and my ministry at the Village is also something I feel incredibly called to. Life at the apartment cannot be changed but there are ways to retreat.

I have to believe that it is not laziness or selfish sin to take a day off - it is a decision called by God full of wisdom and obedience as a good steward of what He's given. And it is for His worship that I will retreat from life for moments at a time to look full in his wonderful face.

2008-02-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

In recent days and weeks the Spirit has presented me with new challenges, all of which I have faced in the past but I forget or I'm lazy or outright disobedient and don't follow through. Sometimes I do obey and it results in well.. obedience to the Father. Tonight at the Fount (the gathering of the South zones college home groups) Brandon (our area pastor) will be discussing Missional living in relation to the coming of Christ. As I read through the scriptures he will be discussing I found myself overwhelmed by questions that are not just directed to Christians in general but convicting my soul as well.

"And this gospel of the kingdom will be proclaimed throughout the whole world as a testimony to asll nations, and then the end will come." (matt 24:14) Do we even hear what that means? Do we realize what the words that Jesus is uttering are saying?! Think about Romans 8:19.

"For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God."

Are we crying out with creation? Are we eagerly longing for Christ?? Why isn't there a greater urgency in our hearts? Why doesn't this echo louder in my spirit? Or does it? And if it does, do I repress it? I think I do sometimes. I muffle the call to "go" or to "speak." It is because I'm insecure, I am afraid of the unknown. Do we love our comfort more than we love the Gospel?

"For am I seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ." (Gal 1:10)

Meditate on that for a moment.

What is this saying to me?

Lara said: "And why are we living? Do we truly believe this or do we just add this to our life? Or is this our life?"

2008-01-31T14:41:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago I was in Germany reading the book of Acts week after week after week. I read it about eight times. I eventually grew tired and annoyed with having to read it so many times. Okay, that was about a year and a half ago.

Since I've been coming out of a three month period of desert-like wilderness, I find myself seeking God through any possible venue. I've been desiring for my heart to be stirred, to be broken, to be driven to the presence of my Grace-Giver.

I have found that in walking with Jesus I get distracted and things in life accumulate and events escalate to where I find myself at the top of a sky-scraper asking myself how I got there. And I feel so alone and so separated from the basic things that have kept me alive. That's what happens.

I'm learning to be drawn back to my First Love, to remember Him. How? In the little things. In the kisses of the rain and the songs of the wind. (I sound like Pocahontas.. I always wanted to be as pretty as her.)

So this week I've begun to read Acts. Reading a book of the Bible that I've read countless times before that I was so close to and I knew so well - reading it again after such a long time is like re-acquainting myself with an old friend. Sitting with her for a cup of coffee and drinking the beauty that God is in our lives. That's what reading Acts this week has been. I've read the first two chapters and how refreshing it is to be reminded of the stories of my brothers and sisters that lived long ago. How Amazing..

more on that later...

Boughs of Holly

2007-12-14T07:42:00.000-08:00

Today is Friday, December 14th, 2007 and I feel good. I feel good, I look good, I smell good... I feel good! I love mornings like this! I can take a deep breath of life and feel great! It's cloudy and a bit foggy and that makes me feel snug! I took my friend to school, I came to work, I'm having lunch with one of my favorite girls, and I feel good! It is a good day! Thank you, Father, for this day that you have made!

This day makes me want to sing!

Wonder

2007-12-10T13:39:00.000-08:00

I completed the worship chapter that has taken me so long to read. Sometimes it takes me so long to read something because God doesn't want me to read it until a certain time because it will not be that until that time will I understand what I am reading, and really know.

This morning, I was frustrated with the lack of adventure, lack of wonder that I used to find in so much only a few months ago... then I begin to read what Piper has written about worship... things like..

In a prior state that we often taste, we do not feel fullness, but rather longing and desire. Having tasted the feast before, we recall the goodness of the Lord - but it seems far off. We preach to our souls not to be downcast, because we are sure we shall again praise the Lord (Ps. 42:5). Yet, for now, our hearts are not very fervent. (p.96)

We have accustomed ourselves to such meager, short-lived pleasures that our capacity for joy has shriveled. (p.99)

But childlike wonder and awe have died. The scenery and poetry and music of the majesty of God have dried up like a forgotten peach at the back of the refrigerator. (p.100)

And finally....

Don't let the childlike awe and wonder be choked out by unbiblical views of virtue. Don't let the scenery and poetry and music of your relationship with God shrivel up and die. You have capacities for joy that you can scarcely imagine. (p.108)

These lines echo the stirrings of my soul... they have helped me figure out the cause of my restlessness. I tasted once the freedom that is dancing and singing, believing that God was my only witness, living as a little girl in awe of how big her Daddy is and what he does everyday, in the big things and the little things, and finding beauty in all....

and so I went from a "holiday at the sea" to a puddle of mud when I began to be aware of human judgment.

Getting caught up in "ministry", in the logistics of christianity, in schedules, in meetings and appointments, so much that life has begun to shrivel.

Thankfully the Spirit has revealed it to me... thankfully we know what it is... thankfully it's never to late to be a child of wonder again!

Pray for wonder!

things...

2007-11-29T12:52:00.000-08:00

Hmm.. haven't written in a while. New things have occurred. I'm kinda 21 now. That's always fun. Father is teaching Faith through different venues now. Faith is strange. I have to trust God to give me the Faith to trust Him. One day I'll make sense of that. So I cling.

Psalm 63 has been a battle. For a while, the phrase He instilled in my heart was "die to self". He's still working on me with that. I have a feeling he'll be doing that for a very long time.

He has placed another phrase with a whole other lesson is going to teach: "Your love is better than life." There seems to be a pattern here. We'll be battling with that one for a while.

I am excited about what is going to be happening with home group. I wish I could see the ideas enacted right now. I wish I knew they were guaranteed to work. It's another one of those faith/trust things. I love those girls. I can't wait to see what Father does there.

Prayer. Prayer. Family needs to go back to corporate prayer. Brother and I prayed spontaneously for a church Elder. Praying together is good. That we need to cling to.

Studying

2007-10-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

There are things that I have to do that are important in this period of my life... such as studying. I have an exam tomorrow, and I want to study for it because I want to make a good grade. However, each time I start to study, I realize other important things must be done, including - emailing a professor about my inability to be in class tonight, organizing the resource room, taking trash out, throwing away trash, organizing my desk, organizing my files, writing a blog.

Rebuke me.
I am going to study now.